I often get requests to share all of my tattoos and their meanings.
But the truth is, I’ve never really been drawn to do so for a variety of reasons.
First of all- I have 19, so it would take awhile.
Second of all- I guess there’s just a larger part of me that likes to have those conversations in person.
However, the story behind one of my most recent tats is one that I’m inspired to share here because I think it’s an important message to spread.
Last month I was lucky enough to spend a few days at The Cove Bali at Balian Beach.
I’m holding GLOW Yoga Retreats 7 Chakras in Bali Retreat there in October- so I wanted to have a good feel it prior to the retreat.
I actually shared at the time how Balian means “healer” in Balinese.
This hit home for me at the time given that I was in the depth of a horrible depression & battling with ongoing illnesses.
Their angel of a driver, Putu, asked me if I was interested in visiting the local healer during my stay.
I’ll be honest, I’m especially skeptical about “healers” in Bali after the whole Eat, Pray, Love movement.
Although it wasn’t on the top of my to-do list, I agreed to check her out simply so I could make a credible recommendation to my retreaters in the fall.
He told me all about her, and even reassured me that she was his family’s personal healer- but I remained indifferent.
On the morning I was meant to see her, Putu came to me and said:
“I have some news, it’s either going to be good or bad- I don’t know yet.”
I simply said, “ok, what is it?”
“The healer called me this morning, and she said she can’t see you,” he began.
“That’s ok, I didn’t even really care too much about going-“ I started to explain.
“No,” he cut me off.
“She told me to tell you not to come because she said it’s very important you realize something. She wants you to know that you don’t need to see her, because you can heal yourself.”
With tears in my eyes, I just laughed.
He felt bad, and continued: “I don’t know what this means. She’s never said this before! I’m so sorry. I’m sure we can still go if you want.”
I stopped him, and said, “no. This is more than enough. This was just the reminder I needed.”
And it was.
That was the beginning of my true healing journey.
Let me be clear in saying that this woman didn't "heal" me with her words.
Nor did the sacred island of Bali.
Just like she said, I COULD HEAL MYSELF.
It just took some time opening my eyes and my heart to tap into the tools I already had to do so.
Don't get me wrong, trusting in outside sources played a HUGE role in helping to pull me out of this depression.
As most of you know, I started seeing a therapist.
I also see an acupuncturist at least once a week.
I've gone to multiple allopathic and naturopathic doctors, alike.
And, I also seek out therapies like infrared saunas, colon hydrotherapy, fasting, etc- all of which are not within the comfort of my own home.
Although these practices and these people have been instrumental in my progress- it really wasn't until this same week in Bali that I had what felt like a light switch just flip ON in my brain.
What did it turn on?
It turned on gratitude.
It turned on positivity.
It turned on rationale.
And it turned on this strong sense of confidence in KNOWING I could, and I WOULD get myself back to full health again.
It was only a few days after this instance with the healer that I watched the documentary Heal on Netflix.
I've already written about this briefly on my Instagram, so you've probably already read how deeply this film effected me (if you didn't catch it, you can read the post here).
What I didn't mention was how some of the last words of the documentary are:
YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF.
The reminder hit home.
I know a lot of people will roll their eyes at this whole post.
I mean, c'mon- here I am saying how a healer in Bali told me I could heal myself, and then I watched a documentary that said the same thing- and now POOF I'm cured!
But, it wasn't as simple as that.
One movie and one shaman didn't fix me.
My mindset did.
My choice to believe wholeheartedly in my own capability again.
My choice to not give my power away to people in white coats, or ANY professional- but to trust my relationship with my mind and my body first and foremost.
My choice to be GRATEFUL for hardships and blessings, alike.
My choice to have faith in all of this darkness.
Faith in being caught by something greater when the time was right.
I know it's not easy to simply tell someone to "be positive" when they're depressed or anxious.
In fact, if you're anything like me, that's the last thing you want to hear.
Because it's SO much easier said than done, right?
But the truth is, our minds our so incredibly powerful- that when we are able to get to that place of being thankful for ALL that comes our way, and get to that place of seeing silver linings- then we're able to thrive again.
I've had so many people tell me that I look like I'm glowing.
That my voice sounds brighter, my skin is radiant, and my eyes are shining again.
They ask me what my secret is?
How did I not only get back to a good place, but what appears to be an even BETTER place than I was in before?
When I think of the answer to that question- I come back to this week in Bali.
I come back to these women's words:
She can heal herself.
This moment was the first of many that propelled me forward into a new direction of gratitude, faith, and confidence.
There were, and continue to be, a million micro-moments in between that continue to push me onto this path- but this was certainly the catalyst.
Which is why I got these words tattooed permanently on my skin in traditional Hanacaraka (Balinese) writing.
I know I will probably lose sight of this reminder again at some point in my life.
And, seeing it on my body will help me keep it in the forefront of my mind.
Plus, this tattoo is not only an homage to my ability of overcome a very dark few months, but also a symbol of recognition and gratitude for the darkness itself.
Without the pain, the loss, the heartbreak- I wouldn't be where I am today.
How could I not be grateful for that?
Expectation versus intention.
This was my biggest takeaway during my 9-day fast in Thailand.
I went into the cleanse with what I thought was an intention, but I realized about halfway through that it was actually an expectation.
One that wasn’t lived up to- causing frustration, angst, and disappointment in its wake.
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t extremely tough to sit with such emotions in the middle of a very physically intense fasting experience- because it was.
But it was also exactly what I needed in order to fine-tune my awareness of the difference between entering into something with an intention, rather than with an expectation.
Let me be more specific:
I thought that my detox would evoke a sense of clarity both mentally and physically.
I went into it anticipating the desire to WANT to be disconnected from the outside world- whether it was social media, or just simply text messages between friends and family- I assumed that I would relish in my introspection.
Why did I think all of this?
Well, based on previous extended fasts I’d recently done (one was 4 days, and one was 3 days), this was exactly how I felt.
I would be buzzing with this really pure, clean energy that inspired new ideas for growth (both business and personal).
And in that time, I wasn’t interested in what felt like the pettiness of social media- or the small talk chatter of random texts.
It was like being on this other plane of consciousness that only craved really soul stirring connection.
So, I figured if I felt this day after only 3 or 4 days- then I was FOR SURE going to be on another level after 10 days.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to be difficult.
However, I still had this vision in my head that although it would be tough- I’d still be in this overall blissful state of total creative abundance.
Boy, was a I wrong.
You’ll find out soon why that just simply didn’t happen.
But before I go into a recap of my day-today, I just wanted to circle back to my initial point of differentiating expectation versus intention.
Do you see how the lines can easily blurred there?
I really believed I was entering in with the INTENTION of clarity and inspiration, but I was actually going into it EXPECTING to feel that was a result of what I was about to experience.
I had attachment to those beliefs.
So, when my mind and my body didn’t act according to those attachments- I was really disappointed in myself.
Luckily, I was able to catch myself in this process before falling too far down the rabbit hole.
Once it became clear to me the difference between the two- I was able to acknowledge when I was acting and/or reacting from a place for intention or expectation.
I was also able to get clear about what my intention for the fast ACTUALLY was.
This became really useful for me to lean into when the going got rough.
Because even in those moments, hours, and DAYS of pain- I was able to look at the pain as a source of healing.
It gave the entire experience more meaning, rather than it simply being something that I suffered through for.
Let’s dive a little deeper into the details of the fast itself.
Where it was, the approach, and what my day to day looked like.
After a lot of research, I did my fast at The Spa in Koh Chang, Thailand.
I paid full price for this experience, this is not sponsored AT ALL.
In fact, I wouldn’t even necessarily recommend this place.
However, rather than leaving a full review of the resort here, I’ll just share my review on TripAdvisor in case you want to learn more about the place itself.
Other fasts that I’ve done have been with only water, coconut water, or juice.
I’ve never coupled a water fast with any other detox methods before this.
This was an AGGRESSIVE approach to detox.
We drank Benzonite Clay and Psyllium Husk with lemon water 5 times a day, every 3 hours (from 7 am to 7 pm).
This particular combination is a detoxification drink in and of itself- helping to actually PULL toxins out of you.
An hour and a half after the drinks, we’d take 2 different kinds of supplements.
3 Liver Booster tablets that contain: Garlic, Reishi, Cinnamon, Laurel Clockvine, Goji Berry, and Phyllanthus amarus.
3 Colon Cleanser tablets that contain: Turmeric, India Gooseberry, Cherbulic Myrobalans, Senna Alexandrina, Ginger and Cumin.
1 shot of Grape Seed and Milk Thistle in liquid form.
In the evenings before bed, we’d take a probiotic to help rebuild the flora in our intestines.
In addition to all this, we had self-administered colonic treatments twice a day.
The morning would be coffee and water (17 L).
And the afternoon would be garlic and water (17 L).
Again, these is a detoxification method all on it’s own.
Coupling it with the drinks, and with the fast was brutal- but also very effective.
The package I got also included a green drink every day (which I didn’t take), and also a special Thai stomach massage daily.
The massage really helped soothe my stomach in between colonic treatments, and kept things flowing well.
You can also have a clear mineral broth twice a day if you need, as well as coconut water as needed.
I had the mineral broth once (I’ll share below), and it definitely helped bring me back to life.
However, I wanted to stick to water as closely as I could for the duration.
Every morning would start at 7 am, where we’d be weighed and our blood pressure was checked.
My focus was NOT to lose weight.
This was used more as a way to monitor general health.
It’s really important to prepare your body AND your mind before you embark on an extended detox.
It’s not the end of the world if you don’t.
But, your body will probably have a more violent reaction to the detoxification process once it starts.
Although I already eat pretty clean, I really tightened the reigns on my diet to really only eat whole foods.
I cut out ALL processed food and ALL refined sugar.
I’m already caffeine-free, but if you’re not- then this would be a big one to cut back on so you don’t get withdrawals.
I was also a lot more diligent about my intermittent fasting, and even did several mini-fasts in preparation.
The three days prior to the cleanse, they recommend to eat all raw.
Since I was already at the resort, I essentially just had papaya salad multiple times a day (they used apple cider vinegar, olive oil, and cayenne pepper in leui of fish sauce and sugar) and fruit.
On the last day, I decided just to juice as this always helps me enter a water fast more smoothly.
That meant that my Day 1 of the fast really was my second day without solid food.
Below, I’ll give you a short breakdown of my days, just so you can have a little insight into the rollercoaster of emotions and energy that came and went.
The first day tends to be the most uncomfortable, as your body is getting used to not eating. I find that it’s when I feel the MOST hungry, which is more out of habit than necessity.
Again, this was actually my second day without solid food, so I was actually surprisingly okay.
I definitely felt hungry, but I took it really easy the entire day in a conscious effort to conserve my energy.
I went for a short 2 mile walk in the morning, and did a Yin practice in the afternoon.
Other than that, I essentially just read and relaxed in my room or by the pool.
I didn’t do the colonic treatments that day, because my energy was really low and I thought it would make me feel worse.
I struggled to sleep throughout the night, and woke up often feeling hungry and overly tired.
After hardly any sleep, my body was in more physical pain than necessary.
I was too tired to even cry, and could barely drag myself out of bed to be weighed and checked in the morning.
When I did, they found that my blood pressure was alarmingly low.
I was really nauseous, and ended up throwing up for most of the morning.
I had shooting pains in my stomach, and all of my joints ached.
These are all common signs of detoxing.
Again, I opted out of the colonics, because I just didn’t think my body could handle it in the state I was in.
I’m happy I honored my body, although I wonder if it would’ve helped to flush out some of the toxins that were causing me so much pain.
I spent most of the day on my bed, or in my bath.
The only thing that got me through the day was playing repeated mantras by Khrishna Das.
Chanting was my yoga that day, as asana was out of the question for me.
I closed my eyes, felt the vibrations of each word and prayed for healing.
When my blood pressure continued to drop, they urged me to drink the mineral broth in the afternoon.
I’m really happy that I did, because it definitely helped to bring me back to life.
I slept well through the night.
I woke up with a burst of energy in the morning after a full night’s sleep.
This tends to be the day that people’s body starts tapping into reserves, and that clean, clear energy arrives.
I felt that to be true in the morning, and I went for another short 2 mile walk.
By mid-morning, my energy was wavering.
I also started my period.
Although it was only light spotting, I had cramps, and generally felt depleted.
This was the first day that I did the colonics.
The coffee one in the morning went easily and fast.
The garlic one in the afternoon took a lot longer to get through, and was more uncomfortable.
After both of them, I felt really good- fully flushed out, and lighter.
I did another Yin practice in the afternoon, yet still didn’t sleep well again this night, as I was hungry and my thoughts were racing.
This was by far the worst day for me.
I had horrible anxiety for almost the entire day.
I wasn’t anxious about any one thing in particular- there was just something energetically happening both within me and outside of me, which was stirring up a lot.
I was also bombarded by a few different text messages from people who with issues I simply didn’t have the brain power to cope with.
However, rather than letting it go and dealing with it once I had broken the fast- I engaged a lot longer than I should have.
Everything was even more intense given that my period arrived in full force on this day, as well.
I was surprised by how much I was bleeding, considering I was barely hanging onto 100 lbs at the time.
I was bloated and cramping, which initially made my colonic treatments painful. However, by the time I’d gone through the entire 17 L of liquid, I felt a little relief in my cramps, which was a pleasant surprise.
I struggled to do much of anything this day.
I was lucky enough to just take a few rounds of deep mindful breaths without my mind spinning out of control.
My physical practice was nonexistent, as my mind was the thing that needed work.
I resorted to another walk, light stretching, and two massages, instead.
This was also the day that the difference between expectation and intention became crystal clear to me- as part of my brain funk had to do with disappointment with myself for not feeling clear and inspired.
Once I had this AH HA moment, I was able to take back the reigns to my wandering thoughts, rather than be a victim to them.
I had a hang over from anxiety the day before, and was left with remnants of angst throughout the day.
However, I felt much lighter than the day before- and not quite as out of control mentally.
I enjoyed a walk in the morning, a gentle practice that actually had some flow to it, and spent most of the day by the pool reading.
I also busted out my journal and wrote for a long time, which helped to untangle existing question marks on my heart.
Although my period was still (surprisingly) in full force, and I still had cramps and bloating- I didn’t feel quite as heavy as the day before.
At this point I’d gotten somewhat used to the physical discomfort of the fast AND my period, and settled into the routine of drinks, supplements, colonics, and massages.
I woke up with the same clear, clean energy as Day 3.
So, naturally I went for a walk and then stepped on my mat for more of a “regular” style practice.
This felt AMAZING, considering I’d barely done more than two or three down dogs in the last week (I was getting really light headed from being inverted due to my dropping blood pressure).
After my morning colonics, I decided to rent a motorbike and go for a drive as I had a bit of cabin fever going on.
I ended up driving for about 3 hours, doing a big loop of the island.
I went to a grocery store to get snacks for breaking the fast in the days to come (yes, this was somewhat torturous), and was so disappointed by what was available.
Even something as simple as nuts had added sugar, palm oil, and preservative.
WHAT THE HELL!?
In the end, I ended up just getting heaps of dragon fruit and papaya from the fruit stands on the side of the road- as there were NO healthy options of whole foods at the store.
I couldn’t believe how utterly exhausted I was simply after driving (and probably also from the midday sun).
Other than my afternoon colonic and evening massage, I was in bed for the rest of the day- day dreaming about the fruit stacked in my fridge.
The other somewhat interesting thing that happened this day was the weird smell that I started producing from my armpits.
Again, funky odors are a part of detoxing.
In a weird way, these things actually made me feel GOOD because they were evidence that yucky stuff was leaving my body.
I slept horribly the night before, which left me feeling sluggish for most of the day.
I was still bleeding, cramping and bloated- which officially made it the longest period I’d had in over 15 years.
I couldn’t believe I even had anything left to bleed at this point, because I was only 96 lbs.
My intention for this day was to try to be absolutely present with all of the sensations that arise, because I knew this would be my last full day of the fast- and who knew when I’d do something like this again.
I did my best to meet myself where I was at, but- truth be told- I was really hungry, and couldn’t wait for it to end.
I my colonics felt especially uncomfortable due to the sensitivity my nether regions from my period.
All in all, I felt heavy and horrible other than a slight burst of energy I got after my afternoon garlic treatment.
I used this burst of energy to go for a walk, and enjoy a short, gentle practice.
Luckily, I fell asleep early and actually slept through the night.
It was funny that I actually didn’t wake up hungry on this day.
Probably because I KNEW I would be breaking the fast in the afternoon.
In other words, my mind had let my body know that this was over soon.
I woke up rested and energetic, ready to start the process of breaking the fast.
This required one last colonic treatment of only warm water (17 L) first thing in the morning.
Followed by a flora rebuilder to be injected through the colonic tube, as well as a probiotic drink.
These were all meant to be done over the next 6 hours- so I still had a half of a day of only water (not even detox drinks or supplements in this time).
After my colonic, I went for a long walk- feeling great in the beginning, but pretty fucking exhausted towards the end.
I managed to make it to exactly the 8 day mark before breaking my fast with papaya.
It was the best thing I’ve ever tasted.
In fact, I actually cried before I put it in my mouth.
My relationship with food will never be the same again.
I think I had a harder time with this than most people.
My body really struggled to accept food again.
Which was torture because I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS, but I simply didn’t have space in my stomach!
After the third day of eating, I actually got sick (throwing up) from trying to eat too much.
I was in bed all day with a headache and nausea.
I ate totally raw for the first four days after.
This meant mostly just papaya salad, regular green salad, papaya fruit, and dragon fruit.
I also had wheatgrass shots during this time, and managed to find raw cashews to munch on in small amounts.
It’s been almost a week since breaking the fast, and I can say that my stomach is still no where near the size it was- but I’m slowly working up the stamina to fit more and more.
Now that I’m in Bali and have access to incredibly beautiful food, I’m still eating all raw- although I’m able to have a larger variety here on a raw diet.
I’m also enjoying refined sugar free, raw deserts- which is making my life complete right about now J
I learned so much from this experience.
Almost too much to articulate (which is why it’s taken me a lot longer than I thought it would just to write this piece!).
But, I’ll do my best to voice what stuck the most.
I’ve already made clear my realization about intention versus expectation- that’s a big one.
And it’s one that I’m really happy to have learned here, before embarking on another fast or retreat of this nature.
As I mentioned above, my relationship with food has totally changed.
I have so much more GRATITUDE for what I consume now, rather than mindlessly eating what sounds and tastes good.
When I catch myself eating really quickly (which is a default of mine), I do my best to slow down and actually feel each morsel.
Another thing I’ve got in the habit of since breaking the fast is silently acknowledging the food I’m about to consume by simply saying (in my head):
“You are nourishing and healing my body. Thank you.”
I make sure to say this with EVERYTHING I consume- even the deserts and treats that are more for my heart than for my body’s fuel.
Another big thing I learned from this experience is that I much prefer to fast on my terms- rather than booking an experience in advance.
What I mean is, every other fast I’ve done has naturally occurred because my body was CRAVING a detox.
Usually I start out juicing, and when that feels good- then I transition into just water.
But it’s always been organic.
This was not.
This was something I planned and booked months in advance.
Although I understand the purpose of doing so, I also think that this way of fasting is not for me.
Well, for one thing- having my period so heavily and painfully during the week made everything that much more intense.
If I were just FEELING into what my body needed- it would NOT be fasting.
However, because it was already booked and paid for- I kind of felt like I HAD to, otherwise it would’ve been a big waste.
In the future, I’d rather FEEL than PLAN.
This leads me to my last take away, and that’s doing regular maintenance on my body, rather than one big radical shift.
What I mean is that instead of having things get so bad that I feel like I want to throw my phone out the window, and to fast for 10 days straight- I’d rather continue with continual detox protocols DAILY, as a preventative measure to having another break down.
I’ve been practicing intermittent fasting regularly for about a year now.
However, after this- I’m more confident in being strict with this practice.
Because, if I’m honest, there were times before where I felt almost guilty about not joining in to eat after 5 pm.
Whereas now, I know that I feel like shit the next day if I eat too late- so I’m not going to do something just because it makes other people comfortable.
Also, I plan on doing weekly detoxes.
This might not mean water fasting every week, but at least all liquid for 24 hours (even juicing is okay) just to give my digestion a chance to slow down.
I’ll also stick to my regimen on water fasting on the New Moon- because that’s a ritual I’ve grown to love.
These smaller detoxes will help keep my body in a clean, healthy, and strong state- rather than pushing it to the point of needing some major cleanse.
Also, when I’m detoxing my body, I will also be detoxing my mind by stepping away from social media once a week, as well.
Putting up more strict boundaries there will help my head stay a little clearer.
That’s not to say that I won’t ever do a long fast again, because I can see it being something that will become a part of my yearly routine.
However, I think that by doing the maintenance in between- I won’t feel like I NEED it as much as I needed this last one.
Plus, I now feel totally comfortable doing it on my own.
So, I probably wouldn’t go back to a detox center again- unless something came up with my health to where I thought it would be better if I was monitored.
Overall, I’m so grateful to have committed to this experience.
It was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever WILLINGLY done.
But that’s the beauty of it.
Now that I’ve conquered it, I feel like I can fly.
As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with a variety of physical and mental health issues lately- ones which are very heavily linked to one another (but that’s an entire post altogether).
Since being pretty public about these topics, I’ve had so many people (mostly women) reach out to me to let me know they’re going through similar things- or have gone through it before.
In such messages, one of the most common things they write is:
“Thank you for talking about this. I don’t feel like enough people express their struggles. I’ve been dealing with the same feelings lately, and I haven’t known how to get through it.”
After receiving hundreds (literally hundreds) of messages like this, I’ve felt a variety of emotions come up.
Comfort in knowing we’re never truly alone, even if we feel like we are.
Sadness for their pain.
And confidence in my choice to show up authentically through ALL the stages of my life- even if the vulnerability feels a little awkward or embarrassing at the time.
All of that being said, I wanted to share a few tools I’ve leaned into during this “dark period.”
As I’ve reiterated before, I’m not a professional in these areas, in that I don’t have a background or any sort of credentials in psychology, nor health care.
I’m simply sharing a few things that have brought even just a GLIMMER of light into each day, in hopes that you find that same spark yourself if you feel like you’ve lost it, too.
I won’t dwell on this one too long, as it speaks for itself. I put this at the top of the list, because I think turning to a professional is the safest option to ensure you’re getting proper care.
However, I fully recognize that putting this option at the top of the list is proof of my privilege.
Because, let’s be real- therapy is NOT cheap.
I get that.
I found it hard to part with a few hundred extra dollars a month at the beginning, as well.
But then I realized that not only is my mental health is invaluable, but I’m also fortunate enough to have that money- so why not INVEST in my total well-being?
I should also mention that it took me a few tries to find someone that I actually clicked with, which made the financial aspect feel even MORE wasteful.
But, damn, now that I’m working with a woman I know I can trust and reach out to at any time- it’s made the other attempts so worth it.
I feel totally held by her.
I feel totally heard by her.
And I feel totally safe with her.
Nothing compares to that.
It's also important to note that therapy can come in all shapes and sizes.
Find a method that works for YOU.
Personally, I've found acupuncture to be just as beneficial for me as the sessions with my therapist.
The acupuncturist I see also holds a super safe and nurturing environment, that truly encourages HEALING.
Plus, she hooks me up with crazy herb concoctions that taste like ass, but do a great job at kicking my yeast infections to the curb.
Point being, maybe talk therapy isn't your thing.
Maybe acupuncure isn't either.
I'd just like to encourage you to see what's out there, before dismissing the idea of tending to your mental health.
Insert eye roll here, right?
I know, I know, everyone always talks about this idea of focusing on what you’re grateful for.
And, I don’t know about you, but when I’m that down and someone says something like that- all I can think of is:
How the fuck is seeing the beauty in a random flower, or a sunset ACTUALLY going to magically cure me right now?
I’ll be straight with you- it doesn’t work like that.
It’s a practice- a process that, overtime, helps to shift your overall perspective.
Here’s my take on it- it’s OKAY to feel all those feelings associated with darkness (sadness, pain, hurt, anger, resentment, etc).
In fact, I think it’s important to feel them all.
The danger lies not having those reactions to events.
The danger lies in dwelling in these spaces.
The longer we dwell, the more all of those yucky feelings fester and thrive off of one another- and the more difficult it becomes to pull ourselves out of it.
Because, let’s be realistic here, it’s a helluva lot easier to stay in that space of moping, pity, whatever you want to call it- rather than fight to pull ourselves out of it.
Incorporating a gratitude practice into my day-to-day life has forced me to see light in areas where I might otherwise only see gloom.
I use Five Minute Journal (the app) every morning when I wake up.
There are also hardback copies you can buy, as well- but given my lifestyle, having it on my phone has been super handy.
Since I’ve had my (let’s just call it) break down, usually the first thing I write to be grateful for every morning is just:
That’s how simple it is.
Some days I find beauty and abundance in most things, while other days I truly struggle to come up with even three.
But, I try.
And I think that’s the point in all of this.
I’ve written about this before, so I won’t go into the details of exactly what this entails for me.
I will say, however, this has helped to keep me grounded during a time of extreme uncertainty.
As I mentioned above, I do Five Minute Journal just about first thing when I wake up.
I avoid checking social media and/or emails until I’ve had even just a short meditation, and full ARRIVAL into the new day.
The great thing about a morning routine is that it’s something I can take with me everywhere, anywhere in the world.
However, there will need to be adjustments made- no doubt.
I was surprised how unsettled I felt a few days ago the first morning I woke up in Bali, simply because I didn’t have my own kettle for my morning tea ritual.
This jolt of annoyance just made me realize how sacred the first few hours of my morning are to me- so I quickly adjusted accordingly.
This one is big.
It’s so important to have people who know what you’re going through.
Then the weight won’t feel quite so heavy.
That being said, I think that as valuable as the online world is- it’s much more important to have support from “real” people in your life.
What I mean is, people you actually KNOW.
People you’ve spent time with, laughed with, cried with, experienced bits of life with.
However, your go-to people might not be in your immediate area.
This when technology is a God send.
I swear, sending long voice notes with my girl friends every day has been enough to make me smile EVERY day.
Even if I’m smiling through the tears.
I’m so grateful for the people around me lifting me up- family, friends, and loved ones.
And I hope you have even just ONE person like this in your life you can rely on.
Let them be there for you, even if you don’t want to.
Let them love you.
This one is very multifaceted, and can be whatever you make of it.
Maybe that means detoxing from social media/technology, relationships, or food.
Whatever it may be- usually these super low moments are a reminder that certain energies we’re letting into our sphere are NOT serving us.
It’s our job to figure out what those are.
And it’s out job to cut them off, or at least phase them out.
It’s pretty simple- does this practice, person, or thing lift you?
If the answer is yes, then keep it.
If the answer is no, then BYE.
If the answer is unclear, then see what happens if you lessen the amount of time you dedicate to this person, place, or experience.
Observe how you feel.
Look, you guys already know I’m vegan.
You know I have a dedicated fasting practice.
So I’m not going too continue to repeat myself there.
Also, you and I are at totally different point in our lives- so I’m not going to tell you what to eat, when to eat, how much of it to eat.
All I’ll say is that remember your body is a vehicle.
The higher quality fuel you put into it, the better it will perform.
Food/eating habits are so connected to depressive states.
We either overeat all the things that we crave, but might not serve us.
Or we don’t eat at all, because there’s just no appetite.
Maybe you don’t experience either of these things.
Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, just notice what you’re putting into your body during this time.
Notice how it makes you feel physically, energetically, emotionally- not just while eating, but also after.
I find that when I clean up my diet, I FEEL better on all levels.
However, it’s super important to note that if I eat something that “unhealthy” (has refined sugar, is processed, not organic, WHATEVER), and I feel good about eating it- then that’s OKAY.
The last thing you need when you’re depressed or anxious is to put yourself on a strict diet- because that’s just going to cause more worry.
All I’m suggesting is be mindful of what goes in, and how the output feels.
Be gentle and loving with yourself.
Everyone has a movement of choice- whether it’s yoga, surfing, running, hiking, skipping, snowboarding.
DO MORE OF THAT.
Or, if you can’t do MORE, then just do it at all.
I get it, sometimes it’s hard to just get the fuck out of bed.
But that’s when you need it most, I promise.
Even five minutes will help.
Moving your body means you’re moving the energy that’s within you, rather than letting it stay in that stagnate, festering phase.
My go-to movements are yoga (obviously), even if it’s just a couple deep breaths and stretches.
This is seriously my therapy.
Waiting until it cools down- putting in my headphones, listening to voice notes from loved ones, sending them back, and just MOVING all those ruminating thoughts around.
I’m not putting this at the bottom, because I think it should be prioritized last.
I just think it’s important to have at least somewhat of a foundation as far as mental health goes, before extending yourself to others.
We all know the idea of not being able to give from an empty cup, right?
Yeah, well that applies here.
I don’t know about you, but when I fall into a depressive state- I fall hard.
I don’t see nor feel ANY light.
But, then I start to claw myself out.
And after a few weeks, or months, I come back to myself a little more and recognize that OF COURSE there’s hope.
Of course there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s just going to take awhile to get there.
But at least that shred of hope is back.
It’s in this time that I feel comfortable serving others.
What does this mean?
Well, it can mean just about anything.
First of all, I’d suggest letting your act of service also be something that you actually ENJOY doing.
For instance, I miss teaching yoga.
So, I just offered to teach free classes to any women who contact me while I’m in Ubud over the next few weeks.
This feels great for me, because I love teaching.
And it feels great for them- because yoga is fucking awesome, and because it’s not a financial burden.
That’s just a small example.
Essentially, this totally depends on YOU- where you live, what’s needed, you’re skills, interests, etc etc.
Whatever you do- let it come from a place of truly just wanting to give, rather than wanting to get better.
This can be tricky.
And maybe it’ll take a few tries, and a few options to figure out what that means.
But when you know, you know.
You’ll feel it.
It will feel selfless, rather than selfish.
I know, I know- the whole argument that all good deeds are selfish, because they make us feel good in some way (hello, I grew up watching Friends).
I agree with this to a degree.
Although the act might make us feel good, it’s the intention we enter into the act with that matters.
Are you doing it to serve YOU?
Or are you doing it to serve THEM?
Get clear on that before jumping in.
Just a Final Few Reminders:
You’re not alone.
You have the tools AND the answers already within you- it’s just going to take some work to unearth them (and that’s okay!).
Light exists due to the contrast of darkness- it’s there.
Don’t lose faith.
You’ve got this.
A practice that has become both controversial and trendy all at once.
I’ve held off from writing this post for awhile for several reasons.
Most of my apprehension simply stems from the fact that I’m not a medical professional (a point that I’ve done my best to drive home in the past).
That being said, I want it to be clear that my intention here is NOT to influence you to do ANYTHING that doesn’t feel right in YOUR body.
But rather, my intention is simply to share my experiences in an effort to connect, and to reveal a little more about what’s going on in my life beyond pretty/curated Insta photos.
I’ve been practicing intermittent fasting for about a year and half now.
This means I’ll only eat between certain hours of the day to allow my body ample time and energy to digest (usually 9 am to 5 pm).
These hours (understandably) shift due to constant travel, changing time zones, etc.
However, I’ve found that after I do a big travel, a 12 – 24 hour fast upon arrival has actually helped my body adapt to the new time zone (in terms of digestion) faster than anything else.
Meaning, this practice has started to feel really grounding for me.
But wait- let’s backtrack a little.
I love food.
And, I’ve always had a healthy relationship with it.
I’ve had an “everything in moderation” approach to what I eat (within a plant based diet) for as long as I can remember.
My parents started a somewhat regular fasting practice a few years back, and- to put it plainly- I thought they were crazy for it.
I had it in my head that I could NEVER deprive myself of food for a day.
Hell, I wasn’t even interested in juice fasting at that time.
I understood the articles I read about health benefits, and I believed the healing miracle stories of friends- but I just didn’t think it was something that I would personally ever get into.
“I could never do that.”
“There’s no way I’d be able to.”
These were all common responses I’d have if the topic came up.
And these responses were what actually caught my attention.
Where exactly were these limiting beliefs stemming from?
I didn’t know- so I decided to dive a little deeper.
This is when my journey with fasting began.
I was the person who HAD to eat at least a little something before morning yoga, because otherwise I’d be “too shaky” (even if the class was at 6 am).
I was the person that would get hangry if I felt the slightest rumble of my tummy.
The person who would NEVER skip a meal.
All of which means, I entered into the world of fasting SUPER slowly.
Meaning, I began just by seeing if I could put off eating right when I woke up (usually around 6 am), to after my morning practice instead.
Not gonna lie, even this was a rough transition for me.
So, I was gentle with myself.
If I felt like I really couldn’t wait until 9 or 10 am to eat, then I’d have a piece of fruit, or another small nibble just to take the edge off.
Overtime, these small nibbles got smaller and smaller, until I was easily able to get to the 9 or 10 am mark without staring at the clock willing it to move faster.
At that point- I added the same practice to the afternoon/evening, not having anything after around 5 pm.
Again, this was difficult.
So, again, I was gentle with myself.
Until it got to the point that not only was it easy, but it was actually what my body was used to and even LIKED.
I inched my way closer to trying a 24-hour water fast slowly but surely.
This meant intermittent fasting, and then having only fruit during eating hours.
To eventually, intermittent fasting with only juice.
And now, a full 24-hours of just water and herbs.
I only just completed my first 24-hour water fast about 6 months ago.
Since then, it’s been a monthly practice (usually on the New Moon).
This means that it took over a YEAR for me to get to the point of water fasting.
Rather than jumping in head first, and then punishing myself for not being able to do it the first time around- I took it super slowly.
I listened to my body, and I honored what it asked of me.
I’d like to be clear in saying that I’m STILL not a happy, zenned out faster.
I’m not that levitating, glowing woman who actually has MORE energy.
I’m that hangry chick in the corner who will bite your head off if you look at me the wrong way.
I say this to let you know that although I still find it difficult at the time, I also feel an immense cleansing and energetic rush in the aftermath.
It’s actually to the point now that my body CRAVES these 24-hour resets each month.
This practice has also revealed a lot to me about my relationship with food- revealing what I need versus what I want, or what I think I need.
I noticed the times in which I wanted to mindlessly munch out of habit, rather than actual necessity of fuel.
Most of all, I cultivated a deeper line of communication with my body.
These are things that might be really dangerous for others, especially those who struggle with any kind of restricted eating.
Which is why I don’t think this is a practice for everyone.
But I do know that it's one for me.
As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with balancing my hormones since getting off birth control for the first time in 15 years.
On top of the tidal waves of emotions coming and going, I’ve also been suffering from chronic (as in 2 – 3 times per month) yeast infections for about half a year now.
Over the last 6 weeks, especially, I’ve had some incredibly low moments- where that heavy darkness felt like too much to hold, and I cried all day just because.
I’ve felt like a visitor in my body, my mind, and my heart.
It’s like I’m not the one in the driver’s seat lately, but rather my imbalanced hormones raging war on anything in their way.
Then, there’s the feeling of constantly having an itch between your legs.
Where I can’t wear a bathing suit or yoga leggings because they’re too uncomfortable.
Let alone ride a bike, or swim, or do anything that will make me sweat a lot.
I’ve seen multiple doctors, and each one just gives me more pills or creams that do help in the moment- but aren’t making any lasting changes.
I started realizing the similarity between this experience and a few years back when I had soy poisoning, which resulted in an insane spike in my estrogen levels.
Doctors wanted to give my pills to “fix” it, when in turn, these medications were only making my poor liver work overtime- which actually just made everything worse.
The more I started to dig into symptoms of Candida overgrowth, the more I started seeing myself in these cases.
This last week has been a breaking point for me, as it’s been so uncomfortable to be in my own body that I just want to sleep all day.
Not only the yeast infection- but now also painful rashes on my face, itchy scalp, and heightened depression/anxiety.
I don’t want to keep popping pills, because clearly they aren’t really helping.
So, I returned to a suggestion my mom had made a few weeks back:
An extended fast in a controlled, healing environment.
I started Googling away, and after a few days of research- I found (what I hope to be) the right place for me.
Next week I’ll be leaving for Thailand, where I’ll undergo a 10-day water (and herbal) fast for Candida overgrowth.
I’m fucking terrified.
I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that’s I’ve willingly done.
And I know that a whole lot of shit is going to come up and out during this time- both mentally and physically.
I also know that this isn’t something I can do in my own home.
Not only do I not have the self-discipline- but I also just don’t think it would be safe for me to be without the supervision and assistance of professionals.
This program includes my own specialist to monitor me, as well as daily colon therapy, massages, gentle yoga, and meditation.
I’ve decided to take the time as a full detox- meaning no social media or blogging either.
That being said, I do plan on documenting my experience- perhaps to share, but perhaps just keep for myself.
All in all, the time is for ME.
And the time is for healing (NOT weight loss).
Isn’t it wild how a person who owns and operates a retreat business has never been on one before?
Well, that’s about to change in a pretty radical way.
Here’s to a new year filled with health, abundance and facing my fears.
I’m scared shitless, but I’m so damn ready it’s not even funny.
Bring it on.