I get a lot of questions about how to stay healthy with such a globe trotting lifestyle.
I also get a lot of questions of how the heck I manage to eat vegan when I’m traveling to countries that most people assume have NO options.
Before I dive into answering both of these questions with more specific tips- I think it’s important to note (once again) that I’m not a health care professional nor nutritionist.
These are examples of what works for ME.
Which doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll work for YOU.
I’d also like to add that this blog isn’t about pushing veganism on anyone.
Because, once again, although this way of life allows my body to thrive- maybe it doesn’t work for you in that same way.
The point here is really to offer general tips of total well being- some of which include what I eat in order to cater to my plant-based diet in a fulfilling and nutritious way.
Essentially- you can take what works for you from this piece, and leave the rest.
Trial and error through your personal experience, and cultivating a more in-tune relationship with YOUR body is going to be a helluva a lot more valuable than any advice from me (or anyone else for that matter).
Let’s dive in, shall we?
1.Echinacea and Zinc:
Because airplanes can be a breeding ground for illness, I start smashing these two supplements 1 – 2 days prior to my departure.
For me, these have been the most effective in warding off any unwanted colds that tend of happen on long, international flights.
2.Healthy Travel Snacks:
I’m not a fan of plane food.
Even when I order the “special” vegan options- they’re usually pretty dismal.
This means I always come armed with my own goods to ensure I’m sustained with NUTRITIOUS fuel, rather than empty carbs and highly processed options.
Unfortunately, when traveling internationally- you often can’t take fresh fruit and veg with you (every country is different).
So this means I opt for roasted veggies and dried fruit (with no added sugar), instead.
I’m also a hummus fanatic, so I tend to bring a little jar with me for the veggies- which is a great option for protein.
It’s important that the hummus is unopened, and in a marked 100 ml container- because otherwise they might confiscate it (again, every country is different here).
Again, for more sustenance- nuts or nut butter are perfect (note that nut butter should also be sealed and in a marked 100 ml container, as well).
This last trip, I brought some of my homemade Juice Pulp Crackers and Autumn in Oz Cookies.
If you don’t have time to make something like these- then quinoa cakes, or raw vegetable crackers are great munchies.
If you’d rather have more of a full meal- then something like a simple Soul Bowl would be a nourishing option.
Regardless of how long you’re flying, you can’t go wrong with a short 15-minute stretch session prior to boarding.
This is especially helpful if you tend to get pain/soreness in any particular part of the body.
I tend to focus on hips to alleviate any tension in the low back.
This is more applicable for international travel with different time zones.
I’ve found my digestion has been one of the biggest contributors to jet lag, because when the body is used to eating on a certain sort of schedule- then it becomes more awake or more tired accordingly.
I’ve found that it helps me to start eating in accordance with my destination’s time zone while on the flight.
2.Echinacea and Zinc…again:
Yep, keep downing these two magic makers.
Even if you don’t feel so much as a tickle in your throat- they’ll both help to boost your immune system, so you can’t really go wrong.
3.Feel Good Practices and Topical Applications:
I tend to get really dry on planes, so I always pack a small thing of Jojoba or Rosehip oil for my face, as well as some sort of hand cream.
If I have a super long flight, sometimes I even use a cucumber face sheet to rehydrate (which feels freaking amazing).
I’m also a fan of aromatherapy, as I find it incredibly soothing even when I’m tired, irritable, and feel pretty dang gross.
My go-to on flights in lavender oil.
Just a little dab on the wrists, or on the soles of my feet if I’m trying to sleep.
I also find music to be a big contributor to my mood.
I love listening to calming tunes when I’m traveling, because I find it just chills me out a bit more.
And the more relaxed my mind is, the more relaxed my body will become- which is crucial when you’re scrunched up for hours on end.
Which leads me to the last one- and that’s back to stretching.
Whether it’s in my seat, or getting up and hanging in a rag doll forward fold in the back of the plane- just getting my circulation going, and my joints unwound feels like heaven.
These are all just little examples of what makes me feel a little more human (especially on LONG trips), but I’m sure you’ll find your own.
All of these are also awesome because they don’t take up a ton (or any) space as far as packing goes.
Meditation and/or breath work is also a great option here, especially if you battle with anxiety in the air.
1.Full or Half Day Fast:
Alright, I know this might not be for everyone- but this has really changed my jet lag.
Like I said before, I’ve personally found that digestion is a big contributor to my mind and body getting out of whack when constantly changing time zones.
I started doing half day fasts upon arrival, and have recently gone to 24-36 hours, instead.
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, because fasting can be super challenging.
Especially if you’re going some place that’s known for its cuisine!
But, I’ve found this has really helped to recharge and energize me for the duration of my trip, as I don’t battle with jet lag for as long, or at all.
If water fasting feels like it’s out of the question- then go for a juice or coconut water cleanse.
As long as you’re on liquid only, it gives your digestion a chance to rest and reset.
If you're interested in learning more about my personal fasting journey/practice, click here.
Because travel literally uproots us and transports us somewhere else, this means that Vata (or qualities of the Air Element) are increased.
An excess of Vata can lead to anxiety, insomnia, and general feelings of flightiness.
This means it’s important to ground down wherever you are.
What does any of that mean?
Well, grounding means we’re turning up qualities of the Earth Element.
One of my favorite parts of the Earth Element that I like to focus on is the idea of HOME.
This means, I pack a few things that allow me to feel at home no matter where I am in the world.
As you guys know, I love my SuperFeast tinctures and teas- so these come with me around the world.
Something as simple as maintaining my tea-making ritual in the morning gives me that sense of routine that pulls me back down from the clouds and onto the Earth.
As I mentioned before, I love aromatherapy.
This means I always travel with incense, Palo Santo and White Sage (yeah, I’m THAT chick).
All of these evoke a sense of peace and comfort, and give me the same cozy feeling of my own living room.
Any other practices that I’d typically do at home (for me it’s usually to do with my morning routine) I continue to do when I travel.
A few examples are morning meditation, journaling, and gratitude.
Do what works for you here.
Maybe this means packing a super old, comfy shirt that makes you feel like you’re being hugged.
Maybe it’s a crystal, or a specific essential oil.
Figure out what gives you that feeling of HOME, and bring that with you abroad.
This sort of goes hand-in-hand with getting grounded.
And I think you guys will know what I’m going to say here:
Yoga, meditation, breath work, journaling.
These are my go-to’s, because they’re simply a part of me, and when they fall to the wayside- I can feel the shifts mentally any physically.
These are also great, because you don’t need a whole lot of space.
Even when I’ve stayed in the shittiest, smallest hotels rooms- I still always managed to find enough space to roll out my mat.
Another thing I often do is go for long walks every day.
This is a great way to get acquainted with wherever you are, and also to get some exercise.
Unfortunately this isn’t always possible everywhere I go due to safety, bad pollution, non-pedestrian friendly roads.
I just work with what I got.
You practices might be different, and that’s okay.
Do what feels best for you in order to come back to yourself even if you’re away.
4.Supplements and Tinctures:
Clearly you’ve realized I’m an advocate for Echinacea and Zinc.
I keep downing those for the first few days after arrival just to make extra sure I don’t get anything nasty from the plane.
Everyone’s supplements are going to be different, so I’d just say keep taking whatever you’re taking at home.
I’m not going to share all that I’m taking, because they might not be relevant for YOU and your needs.
If you’re in a country that has unclean water, or is notorious for bad food poisoning- activated charcoal tablets are always my favorite option for funny tummy syndrome.
As mentioned above, SuperFeast offers a great variety of herbs, tonics, and mushroom blends.
Check them out to see if any of their products are suitable for your needs.
Apple Cider Vinegar is also a lifesaver.
I drink it before every meal.
Same with lemon water (hot or room temp).
Both of these support liver function, and alkalinity in the body.
Colloidal silver has also been an awesome addition in supporting my immune system.
I’ve also fallen in love with YourSuperFoods, as they have quite a large variety of superfood blends that come in TRAVEL SACHETS!
This is wonderful, because they don’t take up hardly any space, and there’s no risk of the powders getting everywhere in your bag.
These are great additions to any drink if you need an extra boost of nutrition.
At this point, you’ve burned through your healthy plane food/snacks- and you’re ready to eat locally.
As someone who’s vegan, and often travels to places where people have never even heard this word- I actually find this challenge more fun than I do frustrating.
Let’s just jump to the worst-case scenario:
Everything is super meaty or fried.
I can just about guarantee you that there will be produce stands wherever you are.
Even in the most remote, desolate places- I’ve managed to get my hands on fresh produce coming straight from the farm.
Obviously, some areas are more plentiful that others- so you just gotta work with what you got.
Go for fruits and vegetables that are LOCAL to the region you’re in, rather than imported.
This is great, because it also means you might be trying something brand new, too.
Fruits with peels are easy as far as contamination goes, but if you’re eating something raw without a peel- make sure to clean with filtered water before consuming.
Vegetables can actually be super dangerous to eat raw (depending where you are), so either thoroughly clean with filtered water, or cook them.
If you don’t have cookware or a stove- no worries.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bought my own produce, and then brought it back to my guesthouse and asked them to cook it for me (usually only places where vegetarian options are scarce to none).
This works out for everyone- because they still get paid, rather than me eating out- and I get to have something that serves my body’s needs.
Another great resource here for my fellow plant eaters is the Happy Cow app, which lists restaurants and eateries with veg options and reviews from customers.
Here’s the thing- you might be going some place that you don’t have to HUNT for your meals, which is always a bit of a relief.
If that’s the case, the best advice I can offer is sticking closely to whole foods.
It’s always fun to try local cuisine- which isn’t always the healthiest thing.
I say everything in moderation is key.
For me personally, I’m strictly vegan- so I don’t actually make exceptions for local food that has meat or dairy.
However, this is also because I haven’t had meat or dairy in SO LONG that it actually makes me sick.
And who wants to be sick on the road?!
The most I can do is my best, but at the end of the day- when other people are preparing you food, you can never be 100% certain what goes into it.
This is especially true when you’re also dealing with a language barrier.
Like when I go to India and ask for no ghee in my curries and dhal, do I really think they don’t put it in every time?
Not at all.
Did I do my best?
Yeah, I did.
If you’re someone who isn’t as fussed about staying within a certain boundary- then eat what feels right to you.
Maybe that means trying something fried, or an especially yummy sugary desert.
Just know that if you usually eat clean, and then you binge hard on holiday- then it might make you feel shitty.
Take it all in stride, rather than going balls to the wall.
Let yourself enjoy your travel in every sense (including the yummy food), but also honor your body at the same time.
If feel you’ve overdone it at any point, a great way to reset is a half or full day of fasting (water, coconut water, or juice).
I feel this deserves a separate category, because I’m a major snacker.
My brother says I rarely eat a whole meal, because I’m constantly grazing- which is pretty accurate.
This is even more accurate after my 10-day fast in Thailand, as my stomach shrunk so much that there’s just not space for full meals.
And I hate wasting food- so lately I tend to have one full meal, and small snacks in between.
My advice here is similar to that of above:
Stick to whole foods as closely as possible.
Sure, it’s often easy to find a produce stand and stock up on your favorite fruits.
But what about if you want something else?
I’ve been especially surprised how challenging it can be to find yummy snacks without sugar, palm/corn oil, or preservatives.
I’ve been a lot more anal about checking labels since dealing with this Candida crisis, and I’ve been shocked at the way in which even seemingly whole foods still have a bunch of bull shit in them.
If there’s a label, read it.
If not, ask the shop keeper.
Some of my favorites that I’ve been able to find just about everywhere are:
Nuts, nut butter, rice cakes/quinoa cakes, dried beans/peas, dried fruit.
Again, most of these manage to sneak in nonsense (especially sugar), so check before you buy.
I’ve found the best bet is usually going to a small roadside shop, rather than a big super market (well, at least in some countries).
The larger shops tend to have more processed food.
However, depending where you are- the larger shops might also have a health food section, so it’s worth a look nonetheless.
Just a quick example of this would be on my most recent trip to Thailand.
I went to one of the largest stores on the island, and I walked out empty handed because even the packaged nuts had sugar and palm oil.
I stopped at a shack on the side of the road to get more dragon fruit, and noticed some of her other goods.
She had fresh peanuts from her farm for about 5 cents a pack.
And, look, eating a bit of sugar or palm oil isn’t going to kill you.
You don’t want to get to the point that you’re stressed about not knowing exactly what you’re about to consume, because stress is a heck of a lot more detrimental than one not-so-healthy snack.
Just do your best.
Trust your body’s ability.
And ALLOW the food you put in to be the fuel and nourishment you need.
I hope these tips and tricks contribute to the value of your next trip.
Happy travels, my fellow nomads! XO
I often get requests to share all of my tattoos and their meanings.
But the truth is, I’ve never really been drawn to do so for a variety of reasons.
First of all- I have 19, so it would take awhile.
Second of all- I guess there’s just a larger part of me that likes to have those conversations in person.
However, the story behind one of my most recent tats is one that I’m inspired to share here because I think it’s an important message to spread.
Last month I was lucky enough to spend a few days at The Cove Bali at Balian Beach.
I’m holding GLOW Yoga Retreats 7 Chakras in Bali Retreat there in October- so I wanted to have a good feel it prior to the retreat.
I actually shared at the time how Balian means “healer” in Balinese.
This hit home for me at the time given that I was in the depth of a horrible depression & battling with ongoing illnesses.
Their angel of a driver, Putu, asked me if I was interested in visiting the local healer during my stay.
I’ll be honest, I’m especially skeptical about “healers” in Bali after the whole Eat, Pray, Love movement.
Although it wasn’t on the top of my to-do list, I agreed to check her out simply so I could make a credible recommendation to my retreaters in the fall.
He told me all about her, and even reassured me that she was his family’s personal healer- but I remained indifferent.
On the morning I was meant to see her, Putu came to me and said:
“I have some news, it’s either going to be good or bad- I don’t know yet.”
I simply said, “ok, what is it?”
“The healer called me this morning, and she said she can’t see you,” he began.
“That’s ok, I didn’t even really care too much about going-“ I started to explain.
“No,” he cut me off.
“She told me to tell you not to come because she said it’s very important you realize something. She wants you to know that you don’t need to see her, because you can heal yourself.”
With tears in my eyes, I just laughed.
He felt bad, and continued: “I don’t know what this means. She’s never said this before! I’m so sorry. I’m sure we can still go if you want.”
I stopped him, and said, “no. This is more than enough. This was just the reminder I needed.”
And it was.
That was the beginning of my true healing journey.
Let me be clear in saying that this woman didn't "heal" me with her words.
Nor did the sacred island of Bali.
Just like she said, I COULD HEAL MYSELF.
It just took some time opening my eyes and my heart to tap into the tools I already had to do so.
Don't get me wrong, trusting in outside sources played a HUGE role in helping to pull me out of this depression.
As most of you know, I started seeing a therapist.
I also see an acupuncturist at least once a week.
I've gone to multiple allopathic and naturopathic doctors, alike.
And, I also seek out therapies like infrared saunas, colon hydrotherapy, fasting, etc- all of which are not within the comfort of my own home.
Although these practices and these people have been instrumental in my progress- it really wasn't until this same week in Bali that I had what felt like a light switch just flip ON in my brain.
What did it turn on?
It turned on gratitude.
It turned on positivity.
It turned on rationale.
And it turned on this strong sense of confidence in KNOWING I could, and I WOULD get myself back to full health again.
It was only a few days after this instance with the healer that I watched the documentary Heal on Netflix.
I've already written about this briefly on my Instagram, so you've probably already read how deeply this film effected me (if you didn't catch it, you can read the post here).
What I didn't mention was how some of the last words of the documentary are:
YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF.
The reminder hit home.
I know a lot of people will roll their eyes at this whole post.
I mean, c'mon- here I am saying how a healer in Bali told me I could heal myself, and then I watched a documentary that said the same thing- and now POOF I'm cured!
But, it wasn't as simple as that.
One movie and one shaman didn't fix me.
My mindset did.
My choice to believe wholeheartedly in my own capability again.
My choice to not give my power away to people in white coats, or ANY professional- but to trust my relationship with my mind and my body first and foremost.
My choice to be GRATEFUL for hardships and blessings, alike.
My choice to have faith in all of this darkness.
Faith in being caught by something greater when the time was right.
I know it's not easy to simply tell someone to "be positive" when they're depressed or anxious.
In fact, if you're anything like me, that's the last thing you want to hear.
Because it's SO much easier said than done, right?
But the truth is, our minds our so incredibly powerful- that when we are able to get to that place of being thankful for ALL that comes our way, and get to that place of seeing silver linings- then we're able to thrive again.
I've had so many people tell me that I look like I'm glowing.
That my voice sounds brighter, my skin is radiant, and my eyes are shining again.
They ask me what my secret is?
How did I not only get back to a good place, but what appears to be an even BETTER place than I was in before?
When I think of the answer to that question- I come back to this week in Bali.
I come back to these women's words:
She can heal herself.
This moment was the first of many that propelled me forward into a new direction of gratitude, faith, and confidence.
There were, and continue to be, a million micro-moments in between that continue to push me onto this path- but this was certainly the catalyst.
Which is why I got these words tattooed permanently on my skin in traditional Hanacaraka (Balinese) writing.
I know I will probably lose sight of this reminder again at some point in my life.
And, seeing it on my body will help me keep it in the forefront of my mind.
Plus, this tattoo is not only an homage to my ability of overcome a very dark few months, but also a symbol of recognition and gratitude for the darkness itself.
Without the pain, the loss, the heartbreak- I wouldn't be where I am today.
How could I not be grateful for that?
Expectation versus intention.
This was my biggest takeaway during my 9-day fast in Thailand.
I went into the cleanse with what I thought was an intention, but I realized about halfway through that it was actually an expectation.
One that wasn’t lived up to- causing frustration, angst, and disappointment in its wake.
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t extremely tough to sit with such emotions in the middle of a very physically intense fasting experience- because it was.
But it was also exactly what I needed in order to fine-tune my awareness of the difference between entering into something with an intention, rather than with an expectation.
Let me be more specific:
I thought that my detox would evoke a sense of clarity both mentally and physically.
I went into it anticipating the desire to WANT to be disconnected from the outside world- whether it was social media, or just simply text messages between friends and family- I assumed that I would relish in my introspection.
Why did I think all of this?
Well, based on previous extended fasts I’d recently done (one was 4 days, and one was 3 days), this was exactly how I felt.
I would be buzzing with this really pure, clean energy that inspired new ideas for growth (both business and personal).
And in that time, I wasn’t interested in what felt like the pettiness of social media- or the small talk chatter of random texts.
It was like being on this other plane of consciousness that only craved really soul stirring connection.
So, I figured if I felt this day after only 3 or 4 days- then I was FOR SURE going to be on another level after 10 days.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to be difficult.
However, I still had this vision in my head that although it would be tough- I’d still be in this overall blissful state of total creative abundance.
Boy, was a I wrong.
You’ll find out soon why that just simply didn’t happen.
But before I go into a recap of my day-today, I just wanted to circle back to my initial point of differentiating expectation versus intention.
Do you see how the lines can easily blurred there?
I really believed I was entering in with the INTENTION of clarity and inspiration, but I was actually going into it EXPECTING to feel that was a result of what I was about to experience.
I had attachment to those beliefs.
So, when my mind and my body didn’t act according to those attachments- I was really disappointed in myself.
Luckily, I was able to catch myself in this process before falling too far down the rabbit hole.
Once it became clear to me the difference between the two- I was able to acknowledge when I was acting and/or reacting from a place for intention or expectation.
I was also able to get clear about what my intention for the fast ACTUALLY was.
This became really useful for me to lean into when the going got rough.
Because even in those moments, hours, and DAYS of pain- I was able to look at the pain as a source of healing.
It gave the entire experience more meaning, rather than it simply being something that I suffered through for.
Let’s dive a little deeper into the details of the fast itself.
Where it was, the approach, and what my day to day looked like.
After a lot of research, I did my fast at The Spa in Koh Chang, Thailand.
I paid full price for this experience, this is not sponsored AT ALL.
In fact, I wouldn’t even necessarily recommend this place.
However, rather than leaving a full review of the resort here, I’ll just share my review on TripAdvisor in case you want to learn more about the place itself.
Other fasts that I’ve done have been with only water, coconut water, or juice.
I’ve never coupled a water fast with any other detox methods before this.
This was an AGGRESSIVE approach to detox.
We drank Benzonite Clay and Psyllium Husk with lemon water 5 times a day, every 3 hours (from 7 am to 7 pm).
This particular combination is a detoxification drink in and of itself- helping to actually PULL toxins out of you.
An hour and a half after the drinks, we’d take 2 different kinds of supplements.
3 Liver Booster tablets that contain: Garlic, Reishi, Cinnamon, Laurel Clockvine, Goji Berry, and Phyllanthus amarus.
3 Colon Cleanser tablets that contain: Turmeric, India Gooseberry, Cherbulic Myrobalans, Senna Alexandrina, Ginger and Cumin.
1 shot of Grape Seed and Milk Thistle in liquid form.
In the evenings before bed, we’d take a probiotic to help rebuild the flora in our intestines.
In addition to all this, we had self-administered colonic treatments twice a day.
The morning would be coffee and water (17 L).
And the afternoon would be garlic and water (17 L).
Again, these is a detoxification method all on it’s own.
Coupling it with the drinks, and with the fast was brutal- but also very effective.
The package I got also included a green drink every day (which I didn’t take), and also a special Thai stomach massage daily.
The massage really helped soothe my stomach in between colonic treatments, and kept things flowing well.
You can also have a clear mineral broth twice a day if you need, as well as coconut water as needed.
I had the mineral broth once (I’ll share below), and it definitely helped bring me back to life.
However, I wanted to stick to water as closely as I could for the duration.
Every morning would start at 7 am, where we’d be weighed and our blood pressure was checked.
My focus was NOT to lose weight.
This was used more as a way to monitor general health.
It’s really important to prepare your body AND your mind before you embark on an extended detox.
It’s not the end of the world if you don’t.
But, your body will probably have a more violent reaction to the detoxification process once it starts.
Although I already eat pretty clean, I really tightened the reigns on my diet to really only eat whole foods.
I cut out ALL processed food and ALL refined sugar.
I’m already caffeine-free, but if you’re not- then this would be a big one to cut back on so you don’t get withdrawals.
I was also a lot more diligent about my intermittent fasting, and even did several mini-fasts in preparation.
The three days prior to the cleanse, they recommend to eat all raw.
Since I was already at the resort, I essentially just had papaya salad multiple times a day (they used apple cider vinegar, olive oil, and cayenne pepper in leui of fish sauce and sugar) and fruit.
On the last day, I decided just to juice as this always helps me enter a water fast more smoothly.
That meant that my Day 1 of the fast really was my second day without solid food.
Below, I’ll give you a short breakdown of my days, just so you can have a little insight into the rollercoaster of emotions and energy that came and went.
The first day tends to be the most uncomfortable, as your body is getting used to not eating. I find that it’s when I feel the MOST hungry, which is more out of habit than necessity.
Again, this was actually my second day without solid food, so I was actually surprisingly okay.
I definitely felt hungry, but I took it really easy the entire day in a conscious effort to conserve my energy.
I went for a short 2 mile walk in the morning, and did a Yin practice in the afternoon.
Other than that, I essentially just read and relaxed in my room or by the pool.
I didn’t do the colonic treatments that day, because my energy was really low and I thought it would make me feel worse.
I struggled to sleep throughout the night, and woke up often feeling hungry and overly tired.
After hardly any sleep, my body was in more physical pain than necessary.
I was too tired to even cry, and could barely drag myself out of bed to be weighed and checked in the morning.
When I did, they found that my blood pressure was alarmingly low.
I was really nauseous, and ended up throwing up for most of the morning.
I had shooting pains in my stomach, and all of my joints ached.
These are all common signs of detoxing.
Again, I opted out of the colonics, because I just didn’t think my body could handle it in the state I was in.
I’m happy I honored my body, although I wonder if it would’ve helped to flush out some of the toxins that were causing me so much pain.
I spent most of the day on my bed, or in my bath.
The only thing that got me through the day was playing repeated mantras by Khrishna Das.
Chanting was my yoga that day, as asana was out of the question for me.
I closed my eyes, felt the vibrations of each word and prayed for healing.
When my blood pressure continued to drop, they urged me to drink the mineral broth in the afternoon.
I’m really happy that I did, because it definitely helped to bring me back to life.
I slept well through the night.
I woke up with a burst of energy in the morning after a full night’s sleep.
This tends to be the day that people’s body starts tapping into reserves, and that clean, clear energy arrives.
I felt that to be true in the morning, and I went for another short 2 mile walk.
By mid-morning, my energy was wavering.
I also started my period.
Although it was only light spotting, I had cramps, and generally felt depleted.
This was the first day that I did the colonics.
The coffee one in the morning went easily and fast.
The garlic one in the afternoon took a lot longer to get through, and was more uncomfortable.
After both of them, I felt really good- fully flushed out, and lighter.
I did another Yin practice in the afternoon, yet still didn’t sleep well again this night, as I was hungry and my thoughts were racing.
This was by far the worst day for me.
I had horrible anxiety for almost the entire day.
I wasn’t anxious about any one thing in particular- there was just something energetically happening both within me and outside of me, which was stirring up a lot.
I was also bombarded by a few different text messages from people who with issues I simply didn’t have the brain power to cope with.
However, rather than letting it go and dealing with it once I had broken the fast- I engaged a lot longer than I should have.
Everything was even more intense given that my period arrived in full force on this day, as well.
I was surprised by how much I was bleeding, considering I was barely hanging onto 100 lbs at the time.
I was bloated and cramping, which initially made my colonic treatments painful. However, by the time I’d gone through the entire 17 L of liquid, I felt a little relief in my cramps, which was a pleasant surprise.
I struggled to do much of anything this day.
I was lucky enough to just take a few rounds of deep mindful breaths without my mind spinning out of control.
My physical practice was nonexistent, as my mind was the thing that needed work.
I resorted to another walk, light stretching, and two massages, instead.
This was also the day that the difference between expectation and intention became crystal clear to me- as part of my brain funk had to do with disappointment with myself for not feeling clear and inspired.
Once I had this AH HA moment, I was able to take back the reigns to my wandering thoughts, rather than be a victim to them.
I had a hang over from anxiety the day before, and was left with remnants of angst throughout the day.
However, I felt much lighter than the day before- and not quite as out of control mentally.
I enjoyed a walk in the morning, a gentle practice that actually had some flow to it, and spent most of the day by the pool reading.
I also busted out my journal and wrote for a long time, which helped to untangle existing question marks on my heart.
Although my period was still (surprisingly) in full force, and I still had cramps and bloating- I didn’t feel quite as heavy as the day before.
At this point I’d gotten somewhat used to the physical discomfort of the fast AND my period, and settled into the routine of drinks, supplements, colonics, and massages.
I woke up with the same clear, clean energy as Day 3.
So, naturally I went for a walk and then stepped on my mat for more of a “regular” style practice.
This felt AMAZING, considering I’d barely done more than two or three down dogs in the last week (I was getting really light headed from being inverted due to my dropping blood pressure).
After my morning colonics, I decided to rent a motorbike and go for a drive as I had a bit of cabin fever going on.
I ended up driving for about 3 hours, doing a big loop of the island.
I went to a grocery store to get snacks for breaking the fast in the days to come (yes, this was somewhat torturous), and was so disappointed by what was available.
Even something as simple as nuts had added sugar, palm oil, and preservative.
WHAT THE HELL!?
In the end, I ended up just getting heaps of dragon fruit and papaya from the fruit stands on the side of the road- as there were NO healthy options of whole foods at the store.
I couldn’t believe how utterly exhausted I was simply after driving (and probably also from the midday sun).
Other than my afternoon colonic and evening massage, I was in bed for the rest of the day- day dreaming about the fruit stacked in my fridge.
The other somewhat interesting thing that happened this day was the weird smell that I started producing from my armpits.
Again, funky odors are a part of detoxing.
In a weird way, these things actually made me feel GOOD because they were evidence that yucky stuff was leaving my body.
I slept horribly the night before, which left me feeling sluggish for most of the day.
I was still bleeding, cramping and bloated- which officially made it the longest period I’d had in over 15 years.
I couldn’t believe I even had anything left to bleed at this point, because I was only 96 lbs.
My intention for this day was to try to be absolutely present with all of the sensations that arise, because I knew this would be my last full day of the fast- and who knew when I’d do something like this again.
I did my best to meet myself where I was at, but- truth be told- I was really hungry, and couldn’t wait for it to end.
I my colonics felt especially uncomfortable due to the sensitivity my nether regions from my period.
All in all, I felt heavy and horrible other than a slight burst of energy I got after my afternoon garlic treatment.
I used this burst of energy to go for a walk, and enjoy a short, gentle practice.
Luckily, I fell asleep early and actually slept through the night.
It was funny that I actually didn’t wake up hungry on this day.
Probably because I KNEW I would be breaking the fast in the afternoon.
In other words, my mind had let my body know that this was over soon.
I woke up rested and energetic, ready to start the process of breaking the fast.
This required one last colonic treatment of only warm water (17 L) first thing in the morning.
Followed by a flora rebuilder to be injected through the colonic tube, as well as a probiotic drink.
These were all meant to be done over the next 6 hours- so I still had a half of a day of only water (not even detox drinks or supplements in this time).
After my colonic, I went for a long walk- feeling great in the beginning, but pretty fucking exhausted towards the end.
I managed to make it to exactly the 8 day mark before breaking my fast with papaya.
It was the best thing I’ve ever tasted.
In fact, I actually cried before I put it in my mouth.
My relationship with food will never be the same again.
I think I had a harder time with this than most people.
My body really struggled to accept food again.
Which was torture because I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS, but I simply didn’t have space in my stomach!
After the third day of eating, I actually got sick (throwing up) from trying to eat too much.
I was in bed all day with a headache and nausea.
I ate totally raw for the first four days after.
This meant mostly just papaya salad, regular green salad, papaya fruit, and dragon fruit.
I also had wheatgrass shots during this time, and managed to find raw cashews to munch on in small amounts.
It’s been almost a week since breaking the fast, and I can say that my stomach is still no where near the size it was- but I’m slowly working up the stamina to fit more and more.
Now that I’m in Bali and have access to incredibly beautiful food, I’m still eating all raw- although I’m able to have a larger variety here on a raw diet.
I’m also enjoying refined sugar free, raw deserts- which is making my life complete right about now J
I learned so much from this experience.
Almost too much to articulate (which is why it’s taken me a lot longer than I thought it would just to write this piece!).
But, I’ll do my best to voice what stuck the most.
I’ve already made clear my realization about intention versus expectation- that’s a big one.
And it’s one that I’m really happy to have learned here, before embarking on another fast or retreat of this nature.
As I mentioned above, my relationship with food has totally changed.
I have so much more GRATITUDE for what I consume now, rather than mindlessly eating what sounds and tastes good.
When I catch myself eating really quickly (which is a default of mine), I do my best to slow down and actually feel each morsel.
Another thing I’ve got in the habit of since breaking the fast is silently acknowledging the food I’m about to consume by simply saying (in my head):
“You are nourishing and healing my body. Thank you.”
I make sure to say this with EVERYTHING I consume- even the deserts and treats that are more for my heart than for my body’s fuel.
Another big thing I learned from this experience is that I much prefer to fast on my terms- rather than booking an experience in advance.
What I mean is, every other fast I’ve done has naturally occurred because my body was CRAVING a detox.
Usually I start out juicing, and when that feels good- then I transition into just water.
But it’s always been organic.
This was not.
This was something I planned and booked months in advance.
Although I understand the purpose of doing so, I also think that this way of fasting is not for me.
Well, for one thing- having my period so heavily and painfully during the week made everything that much more intense.
If I were just FEELING into what my body needed- it would NOT be fasting.
However, because it was already booked and paid for- I kind of felt like I HAD to, otherwise it would’ve been a big waste.
In the future, I’d rather FEEL than PLAN.
This leads me to my last take away, and that’s doing regular maintenance on my body, rather than one big radical shift.
What I mean is that instead of having things get so bad that I feel like I want to throw my phone out the window, and to fast for 10 days straight- I’d rather continue with continual detox protocols DAILY, as a preventative measure to having another break down.
I’ve been practicing intermittent fasting regularly for about a year now.
However, after this- I’m more confident in being strict with this practice.
Because, if I’m honest, there were times before where I felt almost guilty about not joining in to eat after 5 pm.
Whereas now, I know that I feel like shit the next day if I eat too late- so I’m not going to do something just because it makes other people comfortable.
Also, I plan on doing weekly detoxes.
This might not mean water fasting every week, but at least all liquid for 24 hours (even juicing is okay) just to give my digestion a chance to slow down.
I’ll also stick to my regimen on water fasting on the New Moon- because that’s a ritual I’ve grown to love.
These smaller detoxes will help keep my body in a clean, healthy, and strong state- rather than pushing it to the point of needing some major cleanse.
Also, when I’m detoxing my body, I will also be detoxing my mind by stepping away from social media once a week, as well.
Putting up more strict boundaries there will help my head stay a little clearer.
That’s not to say that I won’t ever do a long fast again, because I can see it being something that will become a part of my yearly routine.
However, I think that by doing the maintenance in between- I won’t feel like I NEED it as much as I needed this last one.
Plus, I now feel totally comfortable doing it on my own.
So, I probably wouldn’t go back to a detox center again- unless something came up with my health to where I thought it would be better if I was monitored.
Overall, I’m so grateful to have committed to this experience.
It was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever WILLINGLY done.
But that’s the beauty of it.
Now that I’ve conquered it, I feel like I can fly.
I feel incredibly vulnerable when I’m teaching yoga, as I’m offering my interpretation of an extremely sacred (not to mention ancient) practice.
It’s intimidating as hell.
And, as someone who’s had an ongoing struggle with simply being vulnerable at all- teaching did NOT come easily to me.
A limiting belief I’ve carried with me throughout most aspects of my life of “I’m not good enough,” coupled with the fear of putting myself out there- held me back from offering regular classes for nearly a YEAR after my first YTT.
I would actually black out with fear when I’d get up in front of a class.
I’d go as far as to say I might have even HATED it when I first started.
However, given all the knowledge the practice itself offers us- I decided to strip down my fear, sit with it & understand it a little more.
I realized the root of it was simple:
I’m afraid people won’t like my class.
Once I faced that truth, I realized something pretty dang obvious.
That WILL happen!
There will be plenty of people who will walk into my class once, and then never again.
Not because there’s anything wrong with ME as a person or as a teacher, but simply because it didn’t resonate with them.
It’s the same way that we don’t connect with EVERY person we come in contact throughout life, right?
I had to learn that although I can’t control people’s reactions to what I’m sharing- what I CAN control is the extent to which I show up as an instructor.
For me this means putting genuine energy & thought into creating SAFE & loving sequences.
It means creating, and then holding, a space where people can learn without judgment or fear.
It means leaving my own shit outside, and letting the time be just for the students.
The reality is that even when I show up in these ways, there will be still be people who don’t like it, or don’t return.
And that’s okay.
Because I know i did my best in that moment.
That’s not to say their feedback isn’t valuable, because it certainly is and I always welcome it.
But the reality is that you just can’t please everyone.
All of these feelings have been unearthed again when I accepted the offer to teach on Alo Moves.
This was an opportunity that I actually spent time manifesting into reality for about six months prior to receiving the email from them- so, I’m not saying I wasn’t thrilled.
Because I was.
I was beyond excited.
But I was also beyond afraid.
Being on a platform with so many INCREDIBLE teachers started to excavate that same “I’m not good enough,” mentality, which- in turn- let my fear of not being liked get really loud once again.
When I thought about how my classes were going to be just be out there, on the internet for anyone and everyone to experience, watch…to judge.
This fucking terrified me.
However, given that I’d already gone through this same process as a new teacher, I was able to handle it with the tools I accumulated all those years before.
Rather than letting my fear hold me back from saying YES and showing the hell up- I let it challenge me to step outside of my comfort zone with as much confidence as I could channel.
That’s not to say I wasn’t still scared the first day I stepped onto set.
Because I was.
I was shaking and sweating.
A jumble of nerves.
So, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that I’m capable.
I reminded myself that I poured MONTHS of planning, energy, preparation and LOVE into each class.
I reminded myself that although I’ll undoubtedly make mistakes, I am showing up as my best self in this moment now.
And that’s the most I can do.
I reminded myself that being afraid is okay.
In fact, these nerves are a GOOD thing- whether you’re a brand new teacher, or whether you’re a season vet in the industry.
Because it means you CARE.
Since releasing the classes, I’ve had to remind myself of all this all over again.
Most importantly, I’ve had to remind myself of the notion that I can’t please everyone.
For example, there’s been feedback from one person saying it was the best class they’ve ever taken, and they loved the cues and pace.
Then there's someone who said they thought it was too slow, and confusing
Another who said it was too fast, as they prefer to hold each pose longer.
One person who wrote that they prefer a teacher not to talk so much, while another said they wish I said more.
You get the point.
Again, all of this feedback is absolutely VALUABLE.
I appreciate honesty- always.
The key is taking what works, and leaving the rest.
Imagine if I tried to take it ALL on?
Not only would I be stretched in a million different directions- but I’d have also lost my own authentic voice in the meantime.
And then what?
Well, my classes would likely resonate with even LESS people.
But, more importantly, they wouldn’t even resonate with me- likely leaving me feel unfulfilled, unconfident, and confused.
I remember when I first started teaching- I was still going to studio classes regularly.
This was in California, where there are a TON of killer teachers.
Plus, I have an advanced practice- so I would attend advanced classes with seasoned instructors.
I remember how it seemed to effortless for them- sequencing, cuing, adjusting, demonstrating, including a consistent theme, the music- ALL of it just felt seamless.
And, although the class felt amazing, I’d usually walk away thinking:
How the hell do they do that?!
I’m over here just trying to make sure I remember the whole sequence correctly.
I found it really overwhelming.
Clearly returning to that limiting belief:
“I’m not good enough to do this.”
As I mentioned before, I had to untangle a lot of bull shit mentally in order to step into my personal power and find my voice as a teacher.
I needed to work on flipping my perspective.
Understanding that, sure, that class might’ve seemed perfect- but, guess what?
That teacher also started from the beginning, too!
The difference between them and me wasn’t that they were “better.”
It was the fact that they had TIME and EXPERIENCE under their belts.
And the fact that they believed in themselves.
I’m writing this piece, because I get a lot of new teachers asking me how to begin.
How to conquer their fears.
How to find their voice.
Based on my experience, the advice I want to give to you is this:
Develop a dedicated self-practice (if you haven’t already).
I believe this is crucial, because it helps reveal what YOU want to teach.
Rather than regurgitating other people’s cues and sequences, you’ll experience what YOU’RE excited to share.
FEEL into even the most familiar postures.
This has helped me with my cuing, immensely.
Because, once again, instead of just memorizing and repeating what you’re “supposed” to say- you’re explaining it from YOUR experience.
Get curious about even the most familiar postures.
This goes with the idea of feeling into them.
Shift your weight slightly differently than you might in the most traditional variation, close your eyes, wiggle a little, etc.
Notice what comes up.
Notice what resonates.
Practice on friends, family, and other teachers FIRST.
Practicing your classes on people you trust, and people who trust you creates a safe space for you to learn how to refine your craft BEFORE offering paid classes.
This is purely my opinion, but I just don’t believe most 200 YTT are ready to teach as soon as they graduate.
Especially because most programs are SO condensed now.
I forced my friends and family to take my classes a million and one times (I still do!), so that I could ask them how it felt in their bodies, ask for their feedback, and most importantly- make sure what I create feels safe and accessible.
As someone who’s naturally quite flexible- it’s important for me to get that feedback from people who have different body types.
Sure, it’s okay to have a challenging class- but I also want it to feel ACCESSIBLE with appropriate modifications and adjustments.
Say YES, even when it scares the shit out of you.
Same as most things, the only way you get better is by PRACTICING.
So, even if you don’t feel “ready,” say yes.
It will be SUPER uncomfortable at first (maybe even for weeks or months), but the more you say YES, the easier it will become.
Way easier said than done, right?
Yeah, well this will get easier the more you say YES, and the more confident you get in YOUR practice.
Sometimes it means exuding confidence on the outside, but freaking the fuck out on the inside.
And that’s okay.
At this stage, you will have prepared and practiced your sequence.
And you will be showing up with the intention of offering something heartfelt.
Believe in that.
Believe in your ability.
Share how YOU want to share.
Again, feedback is important- but it’s important to remain true to yourself as you take what works, and leave the rest.
For instance, if someone tells you after class that they didn’t feel warm enough to enter Warrior III that early on in the sequence- that’s something worth considering, right?
Especially because it touches on the SAFETY aspect of the class.
However, if someone tells you they wish you’d talk about more spirituality topics, because your classes feel too physical- then you need to ask yourself if that feels true to what you want to share.
Perhaps you don’t have anything spiritual to offer at the moment.
That doesn’t make you a “bad” teacher.
It just means, maybe your style isn’t compatible for this particular person.
Rather than forcing yourself to speed up your spirituality process in order to be something you’re just NOT yet- let it come organically.
And, remember, maybe this won’t ever be something you’re comfortable sharing when you teach.
Continual study: Stay in the student seat.
The same way our yoga practice is limitless, so is our teaching practice.
We’re never done learning.
And, if you think you have it all figured out- then that’s probably when you need a refresher course the most.
I personally save a chunk of cash every year for a training, immersion, or some sort of continual education.
This doesn’t mean you need to do a destination course or retreat, or something super fancy every year.
Maybe it means you invest in an online module.
Or invest in a 3-day immersion in your hometown.
Yes, self-study is crucial.
But I also think fully sitting in the student seat regularly is very important in order to keep growing.
Remember that we're always evolving.
That being said, your teaching likely will, too.
What you want to offer when you first start out might be COMPLETELY different to what you want to offer in five years.
If you're anything like me, you might have trouble surrendering to this natural ebb and flow- and that's okay.
Just try to become aware of it.
If your practice shifts, embrace it.
Know that it's shifting in that direction for a reason.
In turn, the students who are attracted to you/your style might also change.
Again, that's okay.
As long as you're teaching from that aligned, authentic place- you'll draw in those who resonate.
Whoa- that’s a lot!
But guess what, if I can do it- you sure as hell can.
And that's the point to all of this:
There's no difference between you or I.
One of us is not "better" than the other.
Realize that our different experiences and offerings just mean that, as a whole, we have the chance to reach even MORE people simply by being, and showing up exactly as we are.
There’s a reason you’re on this path of teaching.
So take the time to figure out that reason, figure out what fires you up- and SHARE that with the world.
You’ve got this.
As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with a variety of physical and mental health issues lately- ones which are very heavily linked to one another (but that’s an entire post altogether).
Since being pretty public about these topics, I’ve had so many people (mostly women) reach out to me to let me know they’re going through similar things- or have gone through it before.
In such messages, one of the most common things they write is:
“Thank you for talking about this. I don’t feel like enough people express their struggles. I’ve been dealing with the same feelings lately, and I haven’t known how to get through it.”
After receiving hundreds (literally hundreds) of messages like this, I’ve felt a variety of emotions come up.
Comfort in knowing we’re never truly alone, even if we feel like we are.
Sadness for their pain.
And confidence in my choice to show up authentically through ALL the stages of my life- even if the vulnerability feels a little awkward or embarrassing at the time.
All of that being said, I wanted to share a few tools I’ve leaned into during this “dark period.”
As I’ve reiterated before, I’m not a professional in these areas, in that I don’t have a background or any sort of credentials in psychology, nor health care.
I’m simply sharing a few things that have brought even just a GLIMMER of light into each day, in hopes that you find that same spark yourself if you feel like you’ve lost it, too.
I won’t dwell on this one too long, as it speaks for itself. I put this at the top of the list, because I think turning to a professional is the safest option to ensure you’re getting proper care.
However, I fully recognize that putting this option at the top of the list is proof of my privilege.
Because, let’s be real- therapy is NOT cheap.
I get that.
I found it hard to part with a few hundred extra dollars a month at the beginning, as well.
But then I realized that not only is my mental health is invaluable, but I’m also fortunate enough to have that money- so why not INVEST in my total well-being?
I should also mention that it took me a few tries to find someone that I actually clicked with, which made the financial aspect feel even MORE wasteful.
But, damn, now that I’m working with a woman I know I can trust and reach out to at any time- it’s made the other attempts so worth it.
I feel totally held by her.
I feel totally heard by her.
And I feel totally safe with her.
Nothing compares to that.
It's also important to note that therapy can come in all shapes and sizes.
Find a method that works for YOU.
Personally, I've found acupuncture to be just as beneficial for me as the sessions with my therapist.
The acupuncturist I see also holds a super safe and nurturing environment, that truly encourages HEALING.
Plus, she hooks me up with crazy herb concoctions that taste like ass, but do a great job at kicking my yeast infections to the curb.
Point being, maybe talk therapy isn't your thing.
Maybe acupuncure isn't either.
I'd just like to encourage you to see what's out there, before dismissing the idea of tending to your mental health.
Insert eye roll here, right?
I know, I know, everyone always talks about this idea of focusing on what you’re grateful for.
And, I don’t know about you, but when I’m that down and someone says something like that- all I can think of is:
How the fuck is seeing the beauty in a random flower, or a sunset ACTUALLY going to magically cure me right now?
I’ll be straight with you- it doesn’t work like that.
It’s a practice- a process that, overtime, helps to shift your overall perspective.
Here’s my take on it- it’s OKAY to feel all those feelings associated with darkness (sadness, pain, hurt, anger, resentment, etc).
In fact, I think it’s important to feel them all.
The danger lies not having those reactions to events.
The danger lies in dwelling in these spaces.
The longer we dwell, the more all of those yucky feelings fester and thrive off of one another- and the more difficult it becomes to pull ourselves out of it.
Because, let’s be realistic here, it’s a helluva lot easier to stay in that space of moping, pity, whatever you want to call it- rather than fight to pull ourselves out of it.
Incorporating a gratitude practice into my day-to-day life has forced me to see light in areas where I might otherwise only see gloom.
I use Five Minute Journal (the app) every morning when I wake up.
There are also hardback copies you can buy, as well- but given my lifestyle, having it on my phone has been super handy.
Since I’ve had my (let’s just call it) break down, usually the first thing I write to be grateful for every morning is just:
That’s how simple it is.
Some days I find beauty and abundance in most things, while other days I truly struggle to come up with even three.
But, I try.
And I think that’s the point in all of this.
I’ve written about this before, so I won’t go into the details of exactly what this entails for me.
I will say, however, this has helped to keep me grounded during a time of extreme uncertainty.
As I mentioned above, I do Five Minute Journal just about first thing when I wake up.
I avoid checking social media and/or emails until I’ve had even just a short meditation, and full ARRIVAL into the new day.
The great thing about a morning routine is that it’s something I can take with me everywhere, anywhere in the world.
However, there will need to be adjustments made- no doubt.
I was surprised how unsettled I felt a few days ago the first morning I woke up in Bali, simply because I didn’t have my own kettle for my morning tea ritual.
This jolt of annoyance just made me realize how sacred the first few hours of my morning are to me- so I quickly adjusted accordingly.
This one is big.
It’s so important to have people who know what you’re going through.
Then the weight won’t feel quite so heavy.
That being said, I think that as valuable as the online world is- it’s much more important to have support from “real” people in your life.
What I mean is, people you actually KNOW.
People you’ve spent time with, laughed with, cried with, experienced bits of life with.
However, your go-to people might not be in your immediate area.
This when technology is a God send.
I swear, sending long voice notes with my girl friends every day has been enough to make me smile EVERY day.
Even if I’m smiling through the tears.
I’m so grateful for the people around me lifting me up- family, friends, and loved ones.
And I hope you have even just ONE person like this in your life you can rely on.
Let them be there for you, even if you don’t want to.
Let them love you.
This one is very multifaceted, and can be whatever you make of it.
Maybe that means detoxing from social media/technology, relationships, or food.
Whatever it may be- usually these super low moments are a reminder that certain energies we’re letting into our sphere are NOT serving us.
It’s our job to figure out what those are.
And it’s out job to cut them off, or at least phase them out.
It’s pretty simple- does this practice, person, or thing lift you?
If the answer is yes, then keep it.
If the answer is no, then BYE.
If the answer is unclear, then see what happens if you lessen the amount of time you dedicate to this person, place, or experience.
Observe how you feel.
Look, you guys already know I’m vegan.
You know I have a dedicated fasting practice.
So I’m not going too continue to repeat myself there.
Also, you and I are at totally different point in our lives- so I’m not going to tell you what to eat, when to eat, how much of it to eat.
All I’ll say is that remember your body is a vehicle.
The higher quality fuel you put into it, the better it will perform.
Food/eating habits are so connected to depressive states.
We either overeat all the things that we crave, but might not serve us.
Or we don’t eat at all, because there’s just no appetite.
Maybe you don’t experience either of these things.
Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, just notice what you’re putting into your body during this time.
Notice how it makes you feel physically, energetically, emotionally- not just while eating, but also after.
I find that when I clean up my diet, I FEEL better on all levels.
However, it’s super important to note that if I eat something that “unhealthy” (has refined sugar, is processed, not organic, WHATEVER), and I feel good about eating it- then that’s OKAY.
The last thing you need when you’re depressed or anxious is to put yourself on a strict diet- because that’s just going to cause more worry.
All I’m suggesting is be mindful of what goes in, and how the output feels.
Be gentle and loving with yourself.
Everyone has a movement of choice- whether it’s yoga, surfing, running, hiking, skipping, snowboarding.
DO MORE OF THAT.
Or, if you can’t do MORE, then just do it at all.
I get it, sometimes it’s hard to just get the fuck out of bed.
But that’s when you need it most, I promise.
Even five minutes will help.
Moving your body means you’re moving the energy that’s within you, rather than letting it stay in that stagnate, festering phase.
My go-to movements are yoga (obviously), even if it’s just a couple deep breaths and stretches.
This is seriously my therapy.
Waiting until it cools down- putting in my headphones, listening to voice notes from loved ones, sending them back, and just MOVING all those ruminating thoughts around.
I’m not putting this at the bottom, because I think it should be prioritized last.
I just think it’s important to have at least somewhat of a foundation as far as mental health goes, before extending yourself to others.
We all know the idea of not being able to give from an empty cup, right?
Yeah, well that applies here.
I don’t know about you, but when I fall into a depressive state- I fall hard.
I don’t see nor feel ANY light.
But, then I start to claw myself out.
And after a few weeks, or months, I come back to myself a little more and recognize that OF COURSE there’s hope.
Of course there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s just going to take awhile to get there.
But at least that shred of hope is back.
It’s in this time that I feel comfortable serving others.
What does this mean?
Well, it can mean just about anything.
First of all, I’d suggest letting your act of service also be something that you actually ENJOY doing.
For instance, I miss teaching yoga.
So, I just offered to teach free classes to any women who contact me while I’m in Ubud over the next few weeks.
This feels great for me, because I love teaching.
And it feels great for them- because yoga is fucking awesome, and because it’s not a financial burden.
That’s just a small example.
Essentially, this totally depends on YOU- where you live, what’s needed, you’re skills, interests, etc etc.
Whatever you do- let it come from a place of truly just wanting to give, rather than wanting to get better.
This can be tricky.
And maybe it’ll take a few tries, and a few options to figure out what that means.
But when you know, you know.
You’ll feel it.
It will feel selfless, rather than selfish.
I know, I know- the whole argument that all good deeds are selfish, because they make us feel good in some way (hello, I grew up watching Friends).
I agree with this to a degree.
Although the act might make us feel good, it’s the intention we enter into the act with that matters.
Are you doing it to serve YOU?
Or are you doing it to serve THEM?
Get clear on that before jumping in.
Just a Final Few Reminders:
You’re not alone.
You have the tools AND the answers already within you- it’s just going to take some work to unearth them (and that’s okay!).
Light exists due to the contrast of darkness- it’s there.
Don’t lose faith.
You’ve got this.
A practice that has become both controversial and trendy all at once.
I’ve held off from writing this post for awhile for several reasons.
Most of my apprehension simply stems from the fact that I’m not a medical professional (a point that I’ve done my best to drive home in the past).
That being said, I want it to be clear that my intention here is NOT to influence you to do ANYTHING that doesn’t feel right in YOUR body.
But rather, my intention is simply to share my experiences in an effort to connect, and to reveal a little more about what’s going on in my life beyond pretty/curated Insta photos.
I’ve been practicing intermittent fasting for about a year and half now.
This means I’ll only eat between certain hours of the day to allow my body ample time and energy to digest (usually 9 am to 5 pm).
These hours (understandably) shift due to constant travel, changing time zones, etc.
However, I’ve found that after I do a big travel, a 12 – 24 hour fast upon arrival has actually helped my body adapt to the new time zone (in terms of digestion) faster than anything else.
Meaning, this practice has started to feel really grounding for me.
But wait- let’s backtrack a little.
I love food.
And, I’ve always had a healthy relationship with it.
I’ve had an “everything in moderation” approach to what I eat (within a plant based diet) for as long as I can remember.
My parents started a somewhat regular fasting practice a few years back, and- to put it plainly- I thought they were crazy for it.
I had it in my head that I could NEVER deprive myself of food for a day.
Hell, I wasn’t even interested in juice fasting at that time.
I understood the articles I read about health benefits, and I believed the healing miracle stories of friends- but I just didn’t think it was something that I would personally ever get into.
“I could never do that.”
“There’s no way I’d be able to.”
These were all common responses I’d have if the topic came up.
And these responses were what actually caught my attention.
Where exactly were these limiting beliefs stemming from?
I didn’t know- so I decided to dive a little deeper.
This is when my journey with fasting began.
I was the person who HAD to eat at least a little something before morning yoga, because otherwise I’d be “too shaky” (even if the class was at 6 am).
I was the person that would get hangry if I felt the slightest rumble of my tummy.
The person who would NEVER skip a meal.
All of which means, I entered into the world of fasting SUPER slowly.
Meaning, I began just by seeing if I could put off eating right when I woke up (usually around 6 am), to after my morning practice instead.
Not gonna lie, even this was a rough transition for me.
So, I was gentle with myself.
If I felt like I really couldn’t wait until 9 or 10 am to eat, then I’d have a piece of fruit, or another small nibble just to take the edge off.
Overtime, these small nibbles got smaller and smaller, until I was easily able to get to the 9 or 10 am mark without staring at the clock willing it to move faster.
At that point- I added the same practice to the afternoon/evening, not having anything after around 5 pm.
Again, this was difficult.
So, again, I was gentle with myself.
Until it got to the point that not only was it easy, but it was actually what my body was used to and even LIKED.
I inched my way closer to trying a 24-hour water fast slowly but surely.
This meant intermittent fasting, and then having only fruit during eating hours.
To eventually, intermittent fasting with only juice.
And now, a full 24-hours of just water and herbs.
I only just completed my first 24-hour water fast about 6 months ago.
Since then, it’s been a monthly practice (usually on the New Moon).
This means that it took over a YEAR for me to get to the point of water fasting.
Rather than jumping in head first, and then punishing myself for not being able to do it the first time around- I took it super slowly.
I listened to my body, and I honored what it asked of me.
I’d like to be clear in saying that I’m STILL not a happy, zenned out faster.
I’m not that levitating, glowing woman who actually has MORE energy.
I’m that hangry chick in the corner who will bite your head off if you look at me the wrong way.
I say this to let you know that although I still find it difficult at the time, I also feel an immense cleansing and energetic rush in the aftermath.
It’s actually to the point now that my body CRAVES these 24-hour resets each month.
This practice has also revealed a lot to me about my relationship with food- revealing what I need versus what I want, or what I think I need.
I noticed the times in which I wanted to mindlessly munch out of habit, rather than actual necessity of fuel.
Most of all, I cultivated a deeper line of communication with my body.
These are things that might be really dangerous for others, especially those who struggle with any kind of restricted eating.
Which is why I don’t think this is a practice for everyone.
But I do know that it's one for me.
As most of you know, I’ve been struggling with balancing my hormones since getting off birth control for the first time in 15 years.
On top of the tidal waves of emotions coming and going, I’ve also been suffering from chronic (as in 2 – 3 times per month) yeast infections for about half a year now.
Over the last 6 weeks, especially, I’ve had some incredibly low moments- where that heavy darkness felt like too much to hold, and I cried all day just because.
I’ve felt like a visitor in my body, my mind, and my heart.
It’s like I’m not the one in the driver’s seat lately, but rather my imbalanced hormones raging war on anything in their way.
Then, there’s the feeling of constantly having an itch between your legs.
Where I can’t wear a bathing suit or yoga leggings because they’re too uncomfortable.
Let alone ride a bike, or swim, or do anything that will make me sweat a lot.
I’ve seen multiple doctors, and each one just gives me more pills or creams that do help in the moment- but aren’t making any lasting changes.
I started realizing the similarity between this experience and a few years back when I had soy poisoning, which resulted in an insane spike in my estrogen levels.
Doctors wanted to give my pills to “fix” it, when in turn, these medications were only making my poor liver work overtime- which actually just made everything worse.
The more I started to dig into symptoms of Candida overgrowth, the more I started seeing myself in these cases.
This last week has been a breaking point for me, as it’s been so uncomfortable to be in my own body that I just want to sleep all day.
Not only the yeast infection- but now also painful rashes on my face, itchy scalp, and heightened depression/anxiety.
I don’t want to keep popping pills, because clearly they aren’t really helping.
So, I returned to a suggestion my mom had made a few weeks back:
An extended fast in a controlled, healing environment.
I started Googling away, and after a few days of research- I found (what I hope to be) the right place for me.
Next week I’ll be leaving for Thailand, where I’ll undergo a 10-day water (and herbal) fast for Candida overgrowth.
I’m fucking terrified.
I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that’s I’ve willingly done.
And I know that a whole lot of shit is going to come up and out during this time- both mentally and physically.
I also know that this isn’t something I can do in my own home.
Not only do I not have the self-discipline- but I also just don’t think it would be safe for me to be without the supervision and assistance of professionals.
This program includes my own specialist to monitor me, as well as daily colon therapy, massages, gentle yoga, and meditation.
I’ve decided to take the time as a full detox- meaning no social media or blogging either.
That being said, I do plan on documenting my experience- perhaps to share, but perhaps just keep for myself.
All in all, the time is for ME.
And the time is for healing (NOT weight loss).
Isn’t it wild how a person who owns and operates a retreat business has never been on one before?
Well, that’s about to change in a pretty radical way.
Here’s to a new year filled with health, abundance and facing my fears.
I’m scared shitless, but I’m so damn ready it’s not even funny.
Bring it on.
The other day when I was flying back from LA back to Perth, the woman in front of me was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.
For whatever reason, her screen kept catching my eye.
And, as someone who doesn't keep up with much of ANYTHING in pop culture nowadays- let alone the freaking Karadashians- I clearly had no clue was was actually happening each time the flashy images of beautiful women grabbed my attention.
What I DID know, was that nearly EVERY time I looked up- at least one person on the screen was holding a plastic water bottle.
I don't know about you, but for me- I've realized that I have an almost PHYSICAL reaction when I see someone drinking out of a plastic water bottle.
I think this reaction is especially reserved for those who can clearly afford to drop $20 bucks on a reusable option, instead.
You know, those who actually have a CHOICE in the quality of water they consume.
Which is why it's safe to say that by the plane had landed- I was sufficiently ANGRY at the damn Kardashians for promoting something that's so destructive to our planet.
I could be wrong, but given the brand of water was almost always the same- I'm gathering they were sponsored by this company to use them on the show.
However, this is pure speculation- I don't know it to be true.
But, let's just assume this IS a true statement for moment.
Don't you think there are some big eco brands out there who would also be willing to throw money at that type of advertising?
Don't you think this particular family can afford to just DO THE RIGHT THING, even if they don't make a damn cent from it?
Man, the frustration is real.
I mean, I thought we were past this.
Not only did I think we were past this, but I actually thought that being a little more earth conscious was even TRENDY and COOL at the moment.
Then I realized, maybe this is true to me based purely on the people that I surround myself with (both physically and virtually).
Because, when I thought about it- during my short 8 days in LA, I saw more people drinking out of plastic bottles than I had for my entire two months in Australia.
I didn't get it.
How could a part of the world that's meant to be progressive, trend-setting, and fully developed- also be so far behind ethically?
Does money really speak so loudly, that you can't hear your heart?
That you can't see the deterioration happening all around with your own eyes?
The real question is:
What will it take for us, as a collective, to wake up?
I've said this about a million and one times before, but I'll say it again:
I'm a HUGE believer in that concept that small changes can, and DO, make big differences.
Similar to my blog about transitioning to veganism (click here to read), the intention of this blog is meant to come from a place of compassion.
Compassion for our planet, but also compassion for ourselves as we journey towards a lifestyle that might feel unnatural, or like a lot of extra work.
The point is for all of us to get accumulate knowledge and tools which help us make more informed decisions.
And, look, I know that the intro to this whole post is dripping with judgment- I won't even try to deny that fact to be true.
Not that it's an excuse, but just as an explanation- that judgment isn't coming from a righteous place in thinking that I'm better than the Kardashians because of my lifestyle choices.
It's coming from a place in disappointment in knowing that these women are educated enough to know the state of our planet.
And disappointment in knowing just how influential they really are.
I know my audience size is laughable in comparison, but hey- small changes make differences, right?
So, instead of just complaining about it, I wanted to put something together that can be a reminder to all of us (myself included) of how we can improve as a collective.
Knowing that it's OKAY if you forget your reusable bag one day, or accidentally drink out of a plastic straw without thinking about it.
Just try to do better next time.
Just try to remain mindful even in the mundane moments.
DISCLAIMER: Some of these products were gifted, though not for the purpose of writing a blog to review them. Any brands I name here are ones that I believe in, ones that I use, and ones that I have/would spend full price on.
Due to the Kardashian rant at the beginning, I thought I'd start with water.
I use Klean Kanteen over Hydroflask, because not only am I not too fussed about the temperature of my drinks- but I also just like how much lighter Klean Kanteen is simply because I travel a lot.
I used Nalgene for a long time, which is quite a bit cheaper.
But, at the end of the day, they're still plastic, right?
Plus, I really didn't like how easily those bottle collected mold ( especially whilst living in the tropics).
If buying a reusable bottle is truly out of your budget, or you just don't have any vendors nearby- you can still make a difference with your single-used bottles.
Simply use them more than just that.
More than once!
And when it's time to get a new one, get creative in thinking of ways that you might be able to use the bottle for another purpose.
If you’re living in a place that has contaminated water coming out of the tap, you might think this means you have to buy shitloads of plastic bottles in order to stay nourished.
There are plenty of options here for all price ranges.
There are (on the more expensive side) installed filter devices for sinks, taps, and refrigerators.
And then, there are cheaper options like the handheld Brita filter.
If it’s within your means, you can invest in a distiller.
Or check into water delivery services near you (usually alkalized water companies offer this).
If you’re traveling to an area with unclean water, or just wanted a convenient on-the-go option- then LifeStraw is a great choice (this can also attach to your reusable bottle!).
There's also a new app recently launched called FindTap, which helps people to find places they can refill their bottles near them.
This is worth downloading and using if you're located in the US (especially in LA!!!).
Perhaps all of this sounds way out of your budget, or simply out of reach given where you’re located.
But guess what?
That’s okay, because there’s still the option to REDUCE plastic- even if it’s not eliminated altogether.
The best bet here would be to buy the largest jug of water you can at your local market/shop (usually about 10 liters), along with a stand/dispenser for it to make the pouring process easier.
When that jug empties, you can return it to be refilled and reused.
Again, not eliminating plastic altogether.
Which still makes a huge difference.
This one undoubtedly comes with a bit of controversy.
But, considering I’ve written about it before- I’ll just come out and say it:
Going plant based is better for our environment.
Cutting meat and dairy out might sound damn near impossible for you.
If that’s the case, then why not consider smaller steps instead?
One plant based meal each day.
Or just one day that’s all plant based each week.
For more insight on this transition, check out my 5 Tips Towards Veganism blog.
There are, of course, a ton of wonderful plant-based brands out there.
But want to know what’s better than any of them?
Going to your local farmer’s market to buy fresh, organic produce yourself.
3. SHOPPING & STORAGE
This goes hand-in-hand with food in terms of the shopping/selection process.
There are SO many options for reusable bags nowadays.
Everything from stylish brands like Seed and Sprout and Kappi (both of which I use and love).
To the $1 bags you can buy at check out.
I think the trick for most of us is simply REMEMBERING to bring the damn bags with us, right?
If that’s the case, I’d invest in bunch of the ones that fold into a small ball/shape so you can chuck them in your existing purses, backpacks, etc.
I bought a pack of 20 on Amazon, and keep them everywhere so it’s nearly impossible to forget a bag anymore.
They also come in handy for all the produce I buy, so I don’t have to use those thin plastic bags that the shops provide.
Lastly, if buying a reusable bag truly isn’t within your means- then, same as before, simply use your plastic bags more than once in an effort to reduce your waste.
4. HYGIENE & BEAUTY
Have you ever stopped to think about how much waste we, as women, accumulate simply by having a period?
To be honest, I didn’t really think about it because for the last 8 years I’ve had the IUD- which meant I didn’t bleed enough to need products to contain it.
Now that I’m birth control-free, this topic is really on my mind.
For my first cycle, I went to a local health shop to buy organic, non-bleached tampons with cardboard applicators.
These, of course, were about three times the cost of regular tampons.
But, for me, I thought it was worth it.
Mostly because I didn’t want toxic chemicals going into my vagina, but also because I knew I’d have a menstrual cup by the time my next cycle arrived.
I used Lunette Cup this month, and I have to say it’s a game changer.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it as tell you it’s a super easy adjustment in terms of just getting it in and comfortable.
Because it’s not.
It takes a little practice, and a little getting used to.
But the good news is that once you DO find the right placement- you can keep it in for 12 hours.
AND, there’s zero waste.
You simply wash after each removal, and reuse.
Another option are investing in some period underwear.
I haven’t personally tried these yet enough to recommend one brand over another, but I’ve had friends who rave about them.
I think I’ll try some out at least to sleep in, rather than having something inside of me all night.
If all of these options are out of budget, or simply inaccessible based on your location- the best recommendation I can make would be to use tampons with cardboard applicators rather than plastic.
This alone will make a big difference.
It’s pretty simple- the more natural the ingredients are, the better it is for our planet AND for our bodies.
That’s not to say that everything I use is 100% natural, because it’s not.
But the of it majority is.
Think about it, if it irritates your skin, your mouth, your eyes, etc- how do you think our oceans or soil feel when these products are eventually deposited there?
Dr. Bronner's is clearly a favorite when it comes to hygiene, because I use their soap can be used for my body, face, hair, and also for dishes and other cleaning needs.
This means, I always buy the largest bottle I can find.
Although I use it for just about everything, it still lasts a long time!
You can dilute it as needed.
They now also make a variety of other personal care needs (toothpaste, chapstick, etc).
For deodorant, I use a salt crystal (I forget the brand, and the logo has rubbed off by now- but it’s from Bali).
I love it for two reasons: I’ve found it works the best for smell/sweat.
And also because it essentially lasts forever, which translates to less waste.
For skin, I mostly use oils (coconut oil or almond oil) to moisturize.
And then Tea Tree and Oregano oil for blemishes and/or infections.
I use Apple Cider Vinegar (usually Bragg’s, or any other organic brand I can find) or Rose Water as a toner.
However, everyone’s body and skin is different in how it reacts- so these things might not work for you.
In fact, they might even IRRITATE your skin, so make sure you DILUTE them A LOT if it’s your first time trying them.
Another few favorites:
Paw Paw by Manda for my lips or any other dry areas.
And then, I also JUST (as in the delivery man knocked on my door while I was writing this) received a skincare package from Blessed by Nature, which offers a variety of natural, organic and cruelty-free beauty products.
Lastly, Bioclarity is another awesome option for natural, plant-based skincare.
If these options are out of your reach financially, or if the products just aren’t available in your region- then look into the natural ingredients that ARE available around you, and just make your own products based on your skin's needs.
One of my good friends decided to make her own products, and she even wrote a blog including her tips and mixtures (click here to read).
I want this to stand alone to in an effort to emphasize how important eco-friendly sunscreen is.
Similar to other products, if you can’t pronounce most of the ingredients on the label- how do you think our bodies and our oceans will be affected?
I use brands who protect my skin from getting burned AND protect our reefs from getting bleached/destroyed.
My two favorites are Manda and Surf Yogis.
If you’re unsure on what’s “reef safe” or not, just look at the label.
Oxybenzone is a common chemical in many sun creams that is said to kill coral.
PACKAGING AND TESTING:
One more thing to include here is packaging, because I think we can all see how much unnecessary plastic can come with one simple tube of oil or lotion.
Typically, most brands that are natural (or mostly natural)- will already be pretty tuned into the sustainability of their packaging, as well as the ethics in testing their products.
But it’s always good to double check.
Is the product tested on animals?
Do they use plastic containers?
If you know they DO use plastic, and there AREN’T refillable options once the container is finished- then see if you can reuse that container for something else before throwing it away.
But hey, if you make your own products, then you don’t have to worry about this part at all!
Do you think about where the water goes that runs down your sink?
Do you think about the fact that if we’re using soaps and detergents with toxic chemicals, these will inevitably contaminate our planet?
Similar to the Hygiene and Beauty section- more natural products will be kinder to our bodies and the Earth.
I think I’ve established my love for Dr. Bronner’s already, so that’s already a given for dish and hand soap.
Try to find an eco brand laundry detergent in your area.
But if you can’t, just do your best to avoid the plastic pods.
There are eco brands for all things cleaning (floors, glass, bathroom, etc), and there are also mixtures that you can make yourself for these things, too.
I haven’t made my own cleaning products, so I can’t speak to this concept more than just mentioning it above.
Nowadays, most developed areas offer a biodegradable option for trash bags (these brands will vary depending on your location).
These still take a LONG TIME to break down in landfills, and they tend to be twice the price of “regular” plastic bags- but in my opinion, it’s worth it.
And it’s better than nothing.
The same can be said for the greener brands for ziplock bags, saran/cling wrap, baking paper, aluminum.
If you don’t have a green option available, just see if you can fine tune your awareness of consumption when using these products.
If you’re in a habit of using a lot of paper towels/napkins, perhaps you can switch to reusable washable cloths instead (both for cleaning and eating purposes).
This concept sort of ties everything together into a pay-it-forward concept.
We can help others go a little greener by actually providing them with the tools, products, devices, etc.
See where the need is, alongside this particular person’s interests- and create the perfect eco gift just for them.
This could be anything as simple as taking them out to an amazing vegan meal (or making one from them), to a whole bag full of goodies for the home and body. Remember, small changes make a big difference.
Meaning that even just gifting someone ONE reusable canvas bag might mean that HUNDREDS of plastic bags won’t be used.
The change starts with me.
The change starts with you.
The change starts with US coming together as a collective consciousness.
So, let’s do this.
One step at a time.
Most people don’t believe me when I tell them I’ve never had a “real” hamburger nor hotdog in my life.
The most common response is always:
“What about when you were a kid?!”
Here’s the thing, from a very young age (as long as I can actually remember), I was disgusted by the thought of eating flesh.
Therefore, I refused to eat it.
I remember when I used to go to other kids’ birthday parties, I’d have to pack my own lunch (usually a PB&J) because I wouldn’t eat whatever was on the barbecue.
That’s not to say that I wasn’t into a lot of other typical junk foods which kids tend to gravitate towards.
Trust me, I was nowhere near the health nut that I am now.
But, that being said, I was never into meat either.
In fact, when I was young sometimes I felt “forced” to eat a few bites of chicken in order to be “polite.”
I would put the smallest piece in my mouth, and when I started chewing I’d be looking around the table thinking:
I feel like I’m eating the leg of the person sitting next to me. There’s flesh in my mouth. FLESH. Oh my god, I’m eating a leg right now. I can’t do this.
Then I’d try to find some sort of nonchalant way to spit it into my napkin without anyone noticing.
One of my favorite things about leaving for college was the freedom to decide what went into my body (let’s just say there were also a lot of non-related food substances going in at that time).
Because it was finally in my control, I never ate meat again- not even to be polite.
Still, I wouldn’t consider myself “healthy.”
As you know, you can eat vegetarian (or vegan) and not be getting adequate nutrients.
Plus, I was partying a lot.
Like, A LOT.
So, I’m sure my insides weren’t super happy with me.
Seven years later, I went to Ethiopia for a month to implement Go Light Our World (GLOW)’s first solar project.
During my time there, I only ate local food (which is BOMB, might I add).
Towards the end of my trip, I realized all of the vegetarian options I’d eaten didn’t have any dairy in them.
And I felt great.
Don’t get me wrong- I hadn’t been eating a ton of dairy before.
I’d been repulsed by eggs my entire life (eating chicken period is pretty gross, if you think about it), but I did start eating them when I began traveling extensively out of sheer convenience more than anything.
I hadn’t had a glass of milk since I was about 5-years-old, because- once again- the concept grossed me out even at that age.
However, I’d always been a cheese addict- and easily had it daily.
Probably multiple times a day, actually.
When I returned back home to San Diego after my month in Ethiopia, I decided to keep dairy out of my diet more experimentally than anything.
I just wanted to see how I felt.
I didn’t put any hard “rules” or restrictions around my shift towards veganism- I just sort of eased right into it.
I told myself if I felt like I wanted to have dairy, then I would.
No shame nor judgment- just taking it day by day.
But here’s the thing- I felt so great that I never actually craved dairy (well, cheese) the way I thought I might.
It wasn’t a struggle for me at all, which I know isn’t the case for a lot of people.
That being said, I get SO many questions about my diet on a daily basis.
But guess what?
I’m not a nutritionist.
I have zero credentials nor qualifications when it comes to diet.
I know what works for me, what makes me feel best, and what makes me feel like shit.
I’m happy to share my experiences with you, but I’d like to do so with one emphasis in mind:
Your body’s response might be similar to mine, or it might be totally different.
Neither one is more “right” nor “wrong” than another.
It just is.
The point is to see what’s out there- to hear about other people’s health journeys in an effort to get to know yourself a little better along on your own.
It’s important to realize that there wasn’t a HUGE jump for me to go from being a lifelong vegetarian to vegan.
And, like I explained before- it happened incredibly organically, which (I think) is why it felt effortless.
I also think it’s important to recognize that I was brought up with a very health conscious mom.
One who was into a lot of these (now trendy) superfoods, tonics, cleanses, etc, before they were A THING, like they are now.
This alone has sort of set the standards for my palate, as well as my gut and energetic body- meaning, these are the sorts of foods I naturally crave.
Even as a child, I never had to force myself to eat the broccoli and cauliflower off of my plate- in fact, I’d usually go up for seconds.
And, especially at that age, I wasn’t doing it because I knew it was good for me, nor because I wanted to lose weight, or be trendy.
There was nothing forced about it.
Needless to say, I think it’s quite obvious how my upbringing (with food and nutrition) also added to ease of my transition.
Having friends from every different corner of the world, I know that culture plays a HUGE role in food consumption, cravings, and how we’re brought up.
Which is why I wholeheartedly recognize how the transition from being a meat eater to a vegetarian, or even vegetarian to vegan- is a helluva lot more difficult for other people, than it was for me.
This point circles back to the idea of NO COMPARISON.
I’d like to share with you my philosophy on veganism:
I believe veganism was born from compassion.
Whether it’s compassion for yourself and your own health, your compassion for the environment, or compassion for animals (or maybe a little bit of all three)- the underlying theme is the same.
To be honest, I find it to be similar to religion in a way.
You’re apart of a community, you feel great, and you want to preach this lifestyle to the masses.
Unfortunately (again, similar to religion), oftentimes the more extreme people get about it- the more they lose sight of the core value itself.
Compassion is replaced with judgment, shame, criticism, and even violence.
Because of this- I’d say vegans get a pretty bad wrap.
And I get it, I really do.
But, this is also why I’m here- attempting to redirect the focus back to compassion, instead of dogmatic beliefs.
So, let’s practice compassion first with ourselves, shall we?
If you’re in a place that you’re working on moving your way towards vegetarianism and/or veganism, I’d like to offer my two cents as a support along the way.
1.First and foremost:
I’m a strong believer in small changes making a big difference.
Take it slowly.
For instance, you could start by eating vegan or vegetarian only a few designated days a week.
Or, two out of your three daily meals could be vegan and/or vegetarian.
Maybe some days will be more difficult than others.
2. If or when that happens, this leads me to the second point:
MEET YOURSELF WHERE YOU’RE AT.
No comparison includes comparing yourself to who you were the day, the week- hell, even the HOUR before, as well.
3. Intense cravings, or even just the comfort of missing certain food/dishes, leads me to number three:
Look up replacement options.
Personally, I’m not into meat substitutes AT ALL (as in, I don’t even eat Portobello mushrooms because it reminds me too much of meat).
But that’s just me, and my preference.
You might love these meat substitutes- and that’s great too.
You do you.
There is SO MUCH INFORMATION out there for cheap and easy veg recipes.
I mean, the Internet is a blessing and curse this way, right?
We can be bombarded with “inspo” to the point we feel like a failure, or completely inadequate.
But, on the other hand, we have a million and one resources literally at our fingertips- so why not utilize them in a constructive way?
4. Fourth, and what I found to be there the most important part of my personal transition (which may or may not resonate with you):
Notice how you feel.
Checking in energetically.
This concept might be totally foreign to you, and that’s okay.
Maybe even the word meditation is enough to make you want to shutter with discomfort.
Again, that’s okay.
No need to label it one thing or another.
Maybe just try on carving out a few minutes of your day to do that little internal inventory check.
Notice how you feel after certain foods or substances go into your body.
Our bodies are so damn intelligent.
I PROMISE that yours will let you know when something makes it happy, versus when something irritates it.
5. Fifth the foundation from which all of this is built:
Know that by choosing meat and dairy free options alone, you are acting with compassion.
Compassion for the Earth.
Compassion for the animals who often suffer at our expense.
But, let’s not forget about compassion for ourselves.
Be gentle with yourself along the way.
Maybe that means not labeling your eating habits as one thing or another.
Or maybe that means not berating yourself if you have a slice of pizza with cheese on it.
Notice what works for YOU.
Notice what helps you function as your highest self.
And work on maintaining that in your own way.
And, just so you know, this is a judgment-free zone.
I’m just here to not only offer what’s worked for me, but to also share some of my favorite recipes.
Because, let’s be real, I fucking love food.
And I hope to spread that love as far as it’ll go.
I was prescribed birth control before I was even sexually active.
That was 15 years ago, and I’ve been on it ever since.
And, I don’t know about you, but I absolutely DREAD going to the gyno.
I mean, c’mon, I don’t think anyone ENJOYS having a stranger poke around between their legs while trying to make meaningless conversation (as if asking me about my job is going to distract me from the fact that you’re scraping my cervix).
Also can I get a raise of hands of who else has been judged by a medical professional when they answer honestly about how many sexual partners they’ve had?
Or, how about this: who’s been shamed for having revealed their complete medical history including pregnancy termination?
Who else has been given the once over with disapproving eyes by someone they’re meant to TRUST with their health when they explain embarrassing symptoms?
I’ll get into all of my personal experiences with all of these instances in bit, but for now- I’d just like to put those questions out there, with the firm belief that at least ONE of you can relate.
But hey, maybe not.
Maybe none of this resonates with you at all.
Maybe you have a kind, compassionate doctor.
In fact, I hope you do.
But, here’s the thing- with my lifestyle of always being on the road, I don’t have a regular doctor.
So, every time I get a check up- whether it’s routine, or symptomatic, I typically have to see someone that I’ve never seen before.
And, oftentimes, I’m in extremely conservative and/or religious countries- two factors which play a role in the judgmental responses to my honest answers.
All in all, I don’t feel safe there.
In turn, my anxiety around gyno visits has been getting so bad that I actually lose sleep before appointments.
Sometimes, I even cancel last minute because I just can’t face that kind of discomfort, nor face the risk of hearing bad news.
Because of this, I’ve been pushing off some reoccurring issues rather than addressing them full on.
I was (am) scared, embarrassed, and ashamed.
Simple as that.
In the last few weeks, the issues started getting in the way of how I do my job(s).
I was unable to go on the excursions during my last retreat, because it was too painful for me to ride a bicycle.
I also had to skip days out to the temple because I was bleeding (irregularly).
And, finally- I had to cancel my project visitations, because the symptoms were not letting up (on and off for 6 weeks), so I knew I needed to be nearby a good hospital rather than escape into rural India.
Because my work is my passion, and my passion is my work- this was the final straw.
I decided to cave and see a doctor here in India.
It’s important to note that before this, I’d asked my boyfriend to schedule me an appointment in Australia (where I’m headed after this).
The week of said appointment- he called me to tell me that only male doctors were available, so he wanted to double check with me whether or not I’d be comfortable with that before confirming the time.
This simple text message triggered a MASSIVE response not only mentally/emotionally, but also physically as well.
Even the THOUGHT of a strange man in between my legs made me physically sick to my stomach.
To be totally honest, I sort of had a meltdown.
I started crying to the point I couldn’t catch my breath.
My heart was racing, as my body temperature skyrocketed, and my hands shook almost uncontrollably.
It was in that moment- alone in a small, dirty hotel room in Bangalore, that I knew I needed to re-examine what the hell was going on.
It was there that I realized how much my mental and emotional trauma regarding my sexuality was undoubtedly manifesting itself physically.
And I needed to get to the bottom of it.
Once I cancelled my trip to see Go Light Our World (GLOW)’s solar projects- I moved into a more comfortable (ie: CLEAN) hotel, and booked an appointment (with a woman) at a nearby hospital.
After I settled into my new space and took a hot shower, I had a chance to actually reflect on the source of my intense reaction.
I rolled out my mat, lit some incense, and laid down in a reclined butterfly position using one of the bed’s bolsters underneath my spine, and one of the bed cushions underneath my head.
I draped a sarong over my eyes, placed both my hands on my bare belly, and started to connect to my breath
It was here that I let myself just BE with all those gross, horrible feelings rearing their ugly heads.
I’ve found that getting as physically comfortable as possible (ie all the cushions, aroma therapy, blankets, etc) helps me to settle into that space of total DIScomfort mentally and emotionally.
I’m able to sit (or lay, in this case) with myself as I am.
And I’m able to get a little more clear where certain feelings are coming from, why they get triggered, and what work I can do to move forward.
After an emotional evening with myself, and myself alone, I was (thankfully) able to vent these experiences to a few close girlfriends via voice notes.
When I heard their responses, I realized that I’m nowhere near alone in these reoccurring issues, symptoms, fears, etc.
My conversations with them are actually the catalysts which inspired this post.
I’m a strong believer in doing as many things (if not ALL things) with intention.
That being said, I’d like to say that my intention(s) in writing this post is to not only be a therapeutic exercise for myself by publicly sharing about something that often evokes a sense of shame, and causes me to shut down rather than open up.
But, I’d also like this piece to also be a reminder for someone (even if it’s just for ONE person) who is going through, or has gone through, similar experiences- that you’re not alone.
I guess this means I have to start from the beginning in order for you to fully understand.
So here it goes.
I should mention that this could come off as quite explicit, and might be difficult to read if you have sexual trauma of your own.
The choice to continue to read from here, is purely your own.
As I mentioned before, I was prescribed birth control before I was even sexually active. This was due to the discovery of ovarian cysts, which caused me incredibly painful periods in high school.
I’m talking so painful that I would pass out, throw up, have to leave school early- the whole works.
Apparently the “only thing” that would help ease some of these symptoms, was pumping a 15-year-old girl full of hormones.
I must admit, at the time, I thought it was pretty cool.
I mean, I wasn’t even having sex, but it sounded so GROWN UP being on the pill.
It almost made all the poking and prodding and ultrasounds worth it.
Fast forward another year and a half, and I’d lost my virginity to my (then) boyfriend.
A few weeks later, that same boyfriend’s best friend drugged and raped me at a party.
Although I was thankful to be on birth control (because of course he didn’t use a condom), I wasn’t so thankful that he gave me High Risk HPV.
This is when my gyno dread really started.
Here I was, a 16-year-old girl who was already living with the shame of being a rape victim (also being bullied at school for being a “slut” because of it), and now living with the fear that comes with a lifelong disease, as well.
I know that nowadays it seems like everyone and their moms have HPV.
But at the time, I felt completely alone.
I’d never even heard of it.
And when you hear the word “cancer” often associated with it, let me tell you- it’s pretty fucking terrifying.
I was so young, and so inexperienced- yet also felt incredibly tainted already.
It was a total mind fuck.
However, I was always diligent about yearly paps despite the discomfort of the examinations.
Let’s move forward another 7 years.
Those 7 years were as “normal” as anyone’s teens and 20s can be.
I had a handful of serious, as well as not-so-serious boyfriends, as well as quite a few flings in between.
I went to a party college, and I fit into that mold perfectly.
Despite losing my best friend to drugs my freshman year, I continued to dabble with them myself on and off throughout the years.
I was 22-years-old at the time that I started dating a guy (also a drug dealer, might I add) who had been my friend for years.
A guy who I ended up being with for nearly two more years after that, even though he was physically violent with me within the first few weeks of us dating.
The violence came in waves, as did his affection and (what I’d mistaken at the time to be) love.
I’d decided I’d had enough after his 26th birthday when he threw me against the wall of my apartment in a fit of rage- knocking the wind out of me, and leaving me with a bruised body (and heart) the next day.
He left shortly after his outburst, and when I went to the bathroom I noticed that I was bleeding.
It was alarming because I wasn’t on my period, nor was I meant to be anytime soon.
However, in the midst of what was happening between us- I actually forgot about it by the next day.
That instance provided me with the courage to break up with him FOR GOOD- to finally move forward, without looking back.
Two days later, I had blood in my underwear again.
When I saw it, I was reminded of the spotting from the other night.
With a heavy, sinking feeling of dread- I knew right then and there that I was pregnant.
I just knew.
Regardless of that intuitive knowing, I took a test to confirm my (at the time) worst fears.
I’d also like to add that I was still on birth control at this point.
I guess I was just fertile af.
I know a lot of people won’t agree with this, but that’s okay.
Because it wasn’t their choice to make, it was mine.
But, at the time (and even now), I felt that the only option for me was to terminate the pregnancy.
I had involved myself with an evil, abusive man- and I wasn’t going to bring an innocent being into such an ugly situation because of my mistakes.
Plus, I didn’t want to be connected to this monster for the rest of my life. And, if he was the father of my child- that would inevitably be the case.
All of that being said, I still felt it was his right to know what had happened, and what I planned to do- so I told him.
He didn’t take it well.
But he was “there for me” nonetheless.
For the sake of not dragging out this story anymore so than I already have- I’ll cut it short by saying unfortunately this event was the one that brought us back together.
The day he brought me home from the operation was the only time he ever got me flowers.
Not that I’m necessarily a flowers kinda girl.
But you have to realize, this was really one of the only thoughtful gestures he’d ever made for me.
The sweetness didn’t last, of course.
Once I was on the mend, he made sure to tell me what a horrible person I was for killing our baby.
All the time.
He also told his parents about it, as well.
His mom made a point to call me crying asking why I deprived them of a grandchild.
The only good thing about this experience was that the doctor put in an IUD when I’d had the operation, which made my hormones a whole lot more balanced, and also my periods a whole lot less painful.
Surprisingly- despite the abuse and the trauma of the abortion- I actually felt in tune with my body and my sexuality at the time.
I loved that I didn’t have to take a pill every day.
I trusted the durability of the device.
And I enjoyed the mild periods.
However, the continual berating from my boyfriend about the subject was a brutal cross to bear.
But now, I will say this- I still don’t have an ounce of regret for that decision.
And for that, it made the rest of the bull shit a little more tolerable.
Okay, let’s move on another 6 years.
These 6 years were some of the most pivotal in my life.
First of all, that abusive relationship came to an explosive end on my 24th birthday- which landed me in the hospital, and the guy in jail.
The physical injuries that occurred were nothing in comparison to the emotional beating I’d taken.
I lost plenty of “friends” who called me a liar, took his side, or just didn’t have enough of a backbone to take a side at all.
I was forced to unravel years of abuse, to see parts of myself that I hated, and to try- just try- to love myself again.
The light at the end of the tunnel for me was the justice I was sure he’s serve after what he did to me.
There were multiple witnesses, testimonies from the cops who arrested him (they caught him LITERALLY washing my blood off the walls), as well as the simple fact that I was telling the truth.
And I was sure that truth would prevail.
Unfortunately, after nine months of doctors, lawyers, and courtrooms- I was wrong.
Truth and justice don’t always prevail (at least not the way I thought they would).
He was let off of EVERY charge.
He walked free.
The verdict sunk me into a deep depression, that my dad quickly snapped me out of about a week later.
He gave me a talk that inspired me to follow my dream of starting my own non-profit and relocating to Kenya.
This is when GLOW was born.
The next 6 years were ultimately my journey of healing, travel, mothering my dream, my vision, and working on my overall well-being.
This is when I did my yoga teacher training, became vegan (which, in turn, caused my HPV to lie dormant since!), started GLOW Yoga Retreats, began using Instagram- and so much more.
This time period deserves a blog post in and of itself.
I’d rather not digress too much from the topic at hand (aka, my vagina).
So, here we are- summer of 2017.
I had started seeing (and sleeping with) a guy (who is now my current boyfriend fyi) that I’d been friends with for awhile.
We were both living in the Philippines on a tiny island where everyone knows EVERYONE’S business.
Because of our environment, I didn’t really want people to know about “us” until I was certain that I’d wanted it to be anything worth knowing about.
One day, we escaped up North so that we could be as lovey dovey as we wanted and not have to worry about anyone seeing us together.
Let’s just say, one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex in the ocean.
Apparently, that was a big mistake.
You’d think that being almost 30, I’d know that- but I guess I just needed to learn the hard way.
Within 48 hours, I started having pain…umm…down there.
It’s important to know that at this point in my life I’d yet to experience a UTI, a bladder infection, yeast infection, or any of the common sort of issues that women face regularly.
With the exception of traumas already mentioned, I had always had a pretty healthy situation down there.
I was also on my second IUD at this point, because the 5-year lifespan of my first had already come and gone.
I was lucky enough to be numbed when the old one was removed, and the new one was put in- so I’d still yet to actually FEEL the pain of the whole IUD procedure.
To be honest- I didn’t really give my lady bits a whole lot of thought (beyond regular hygiene and care, of course), simply because I didn’t HAVE to.
However, even though I had nothing to compare it to- I also knew that something was not right.
Like REALLY not right.
So, we went to the “doctor” on the island (I say this in quotes because I really have no idea how qualified this person in a one-bedroom shack of an office really is).
After my examination she concluded I had vaginitis.
That’s, like, the least conclusive thing EVER.
She gave me a suppository, a pat on the back, and sent me on my way.
I was told to put the suppository in at night, wear underwear when I sleep because some of it will seep out, and it should clear up in 3 days.
Well, I can assure you that is not what happened.
What did happen was that I had an allergic reaction to the medicine (something I found out almost a year later, mind you).
And, by wearing the underwear and trapping everything in- it actually made it WORSE.
I’m no doctor, nor scientist (clearly), but all I know is that our vaginas are super a super fucking delicate ecosystem.
There’s already a whole lot going on down there when it comes to moisture and temperature, so when you put something in that you’re not only allergic to, but something that’s also adding to the moisture and turning up the temperature (due to the fever)- things will get ugly.
Whatever infection I had got so bad that my fever skyrocketed in, and I got insanely sick (if you know me at all, this will come as no surprise to you- you know how my body responds to illnesses).
Because there’s no actual hospital nor qualified health care on the island, I took a two-hour flight to Manila to get the help I desperately needed.
Much to my surprise (and gratitude), Michael came with me- taking care of me every step along the way.
This is when things took a turn for the worse.
To be honest, this next part is still difficult for me to write about.
But the point is to share my story, so here it goes.
It’s important to keep in mind that the Philippines is primarily Catholic, which- in turn- means it can be pretty conservative (especially when it comes to sex-related topics).
So, when I met with the doctor and told her that yes, I’d been pregnant before- but no, I didn’t have any children- her face immediately changed.
Look, I know there’s a high chance that my emotional state might’ve exaggerated this whole experience. But, I also know that my judgment of energy is typically pretty spot on.
When I sense judgment, it’s usually because it’s actually there. Whether that other person would ever admit that or not is another story.
That same doctor all but sneered when I told her that, no, Michael and I weren’t married.
Her face was aghast when I told her I didn’t know how many sexual partners I’d had in my lifetime.
Then she examined me.
Let me just interject here to say that I was in a great deal of pain to any sort of touch.
It was difficult for me to WALK.
I couldn’t wear anything other than a dress, because having any sort of fabric even just graze against me was excruciating.
Tears were rolling down my face before she even started the examination, but by the time she was done- I was hyperventilating with pain.
And, I could tell you for damn sure that she didn’t care.
Once she finished, she told me (stone faced) that I had herpes.
Then attempted to walk out of the room.
Sure, drop a bomb on me that I have a lifelong disease, and then leave me to process that alone.
I was obviously in shock, but managed to get a few questions out before she went on her way.
In that time, she told me she didn’t need to run a test because she could tell just by looking.
She also went onto say that unless I’d gone outside of the relationship- then Michael had clearly cheated on me, and that I should break up with him.
Luckily, all of this unsolicited advice truly didn’t bother me because of the status of our relationship- and the simple fact that I trusted (and still do) him.
But, fuck, imagine if your DOCTOR- a person of authority- insisted your partner was cheating on you and that you have a chronic disease.
WITHOUT TAKING ANY TESTS.
Due to my plethora of experiences with ridiculous doctors, I insisted on getting ALL the tests done- pap, culture of the rash area itself, and blood.
I ended up having to be in the hospital for 5 days.
In that time, every single nurse and doctor there treated me like I was an American harlot.
Every examination I had left me crying in pain because of how callously and indifferently they treated my wounds.
During these 5 days, Michael also went to the lab to get tested himself.
A completely separate doctor there went on to tell him that I’d cheated on him, and that he should break up with me.
Seemed to be a reoccurring theme in the place, right?
All of Michael’s tests came back negative.
When I asked for the results of mine, they kept saying it would take time.
Finally, they told me that they came back positive.
She even said the words, “I told you so.”
It’s safe to say that I wasn’t in a good place mentally.
I felt like I was finally damaged beyond repair- depressed, disgusting, broken.
I wanted to give up on life right then and there.
When I was discharged from the hospital, a different doctor was reviewing my charts for me before I went.
In that time, she said that all the tests came back negative.
I cut her off, and asked her to repeat what she’d just said.
She looked at me strangely, repeating that they’d all been negative.
I wanted to punch her in the face and hug her at the same time.
Keep in mind that in this span of time, I had already begun the process of accepting this disease I thought I was living with forever.
I started looking into supplements and natural remedies to keep outbreaks at bay.
I’d even written my mom a long email in my pain killer induced state- telling her everything.
And, I love you mom, but her response also made me feel a whole lot worse too.
Then, after all that- I have a doctor tell me that the tests were negative.
What the actual fuck.
She looked at me like I was stupid, telling me that false negatives happen all the time- but they’re still confident that’s what it is.
Essentially letting me know not to get my hopes up.
But I couldn’t get those results out of my mind.
Plus, I was all about hope- and I was clinging to what was left of mine.
In the year and half since that incident, I’ve had 4 pap smears and blood tests from 4 different doctors.
They’ve all been negative.
When I told one doctor about the experience, she told me it sounded like I was allergic to the suppository medication- and that she’s seen reactions like that before (I had photos).
I’ve never had an outbreak.
Not because I’m healthy, and mindful- but because I don’t have fucking herpes despite one judgmental doctor’s false diagnosis.
I'd like to clarify here that although I think (I can't be 100% sure, of course) that religion played a role in this judgement and unprofessionalism- I don't blame Catholicism, nor the entire Filipio race/culture, by any means.
As most of you probably know, Filipinos are often the most wonderful caretakers in the medical field, and outside of it.
My experience should not be read as a way to clump ALL people of a certain race or religion into just one generalized box. Because that's far from the case.
But the thing is, that experience changed me.
Not only has my female ecosystem never really been the same since- but my sexual drive and self-love have also been at an all-time low, as well.
Like I said, I finally felt damaged beyond repair.
Although the diagnosis was incorrect, I still just felt horrible in my own skin and extremely uncomfortable with my sexuality.
There was (and still is) a thick coat of shame, which suffocates any of my feelings of being sexy or beautiful.
Not to mention the frequent physical discomfort since then.
I’m suddenly much more sensitive to EVERYTHING:
Wearing leggings or bathing suits for too long, bicycles, sitting for long period of time without changing clothes (long flights and bus rides), humidity, dry cold, surfing (straddling the board).
The list goes on and on.
I’ve had to modify huge chunks of my daily life.
Some activities I’ve had to cut out altogether (I haven’t surfed in a year, because of it).
However, despite how much these reoccurring issues have been getting in the way of my life- I’ve also been terrified to go to the doctor to try to get things back on track for good.
My healing process has sort of been like running on a hamster wheel- running constantly, but moving nowhere.
Sure, I’ve continued to get check ups, but other than that- I haven’t had a whole lot of answers.
After my meltdown last week in my Banglore hotel room, I knew that it was time to seek those answers in a way that felt right to me.
I certainly value doctor’s opinions, modern science and medicine- TO A DEGREE.
But I also value the wisdom of my body, my intuition, and Eastern practices, as well.
During that meditation, I realized there was a reason that there was no scientific explanation for the reoccurring symptoms and physical irritation that keeps happening.
I realized that even if it felt like I had moved on from the stories of my past, they were still stored quite deeply in my body- and I still have a lot of work to do in order to get to a more balanced and healthy place.
This is why I’ve decided to write this post- an attempt just to just start getting these stories OUT of me.
And, to actually start the healing process OFF the hamster wheel, instead.
This is also why I decided to get my IUD taken out.
To be totally honest, up until this point- I hadn’t even realized that I’ve been on some form of birth control for over 15 years.
That’s half of my life.
I find it very alarming that consuming a strong hormonal substance was such an ingrained, REGULAR part of my life that I didn’t even give it a second thought for 15 years.
How could I ever tune into the natural rhythms of my body if there’s an unnatural substance standing in the way?
In my opinion, I can’t.
At least not right now.
Don’t get me wrong- I’m not promoting unprotected sex.
Nor will Michael and I be careless with our intimacy. Especially after already having experienced an abortion, I don’t ever want to go through that again.
So, we won’t be entering this chapter lightly, by any means.
But we will be entering into it together- exploring the effects of certain foods and drinks, as well as maintaining a regular fasting practice, and exploring a variety of movement therapies.
The point is that I want to keep getting to know myself.
I want to get to know my body better- to understand what it needs, to observe where it’s storing trauma, to notice areas that are imbalanced, and to recognize which substances trigger different physical reactions.
Because god knows this last year and a half has been a brutal whiplash of ups and downs when it comes to my relationship with my sexuality and my body.
And, truth be told, this toxic relationship with myself (one which has been built on shame)- has had a damaging ripple effect into my relationship with my partner, as well.
I want to return to a space of pure, honest love and acceptance for myself- as well as for those around me.
And, guess what?
I can tell I’m already on the right path to do just that.
Even though getting my IUD hurt like hell, I still felt an energetic release after.
I was like a huge weight had been lifted, and despite the cramping- there was also a massive sense of relief.
I’ve had the same reaction since writing this post- discomfort mixed with liberation.
But hey, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 30 years on this planet- it’s that oftentimes the greatest lessons and moments of growth come from being completely uncomfortable.
So, bring it on.